5/25/14 – Time To Hit Bottom

Woke up at 12:30 am wondering if she texted me. Did she get drunk and hook up with someone? Why did she send me straight to voicemail when I had the kids call yesterday, and then called me back a few minutes later? Does she have a boyfriend she was calling? If so, why send me the pic of her legs and the text talking about working out, but the kids pictures of the lake?

She just sent pics of her sister in the wedding dress. She uses the term Auntie so I am guessing they are meant for the kids. She could show the kids herself when she comes back. I’m sure it’s her way of keeping me off balance and the kids involved so they don’t forget. I doubt she realizes what she’s doing. It’s all emotional fear and manipulation, but it’s driving me mad right now. Need to get her out of my head and phone.

I think I’m done. She keeps calling and texting. Out partying. When can she call the kids? I text her one question and eight texts later I finally just walk away from the phone. I tell her to tell her sister how beautiful she looks in the wedding dress and she won’t. I get it. Distortion campaign. So fuck it. Time to hit bottom?

What does it matter? Heaven or hell. I don’t decide. Everyone gets to commit atrocity after atrocity and as long as they say a little prayer from the tv preachers they are good to go.

Siddartha abandoned his son and became enlightened by sitting under a tree. Fucking cherry blossoms falling out of thin air upon command.

Wealthy men say they wished they spent more time with family on their death beds. No one records the dying words of the poor. I’m sure it would be “I shouldn’t have wasted so much time on family and morality.” No one else in this world does. Nice guys finish last – I’m a perfect example.

All those single people on Match, etc. half cheated on their spouses. The other half with a laundry list of requirements that no human could possibly exhibit.

The thin and good looking complain there are no good men / women out there. Maybe that’s because they ignore anyone who isn’t perfect. Women go after bad boys and then complain there are no gentlemen. They date gentlemen and complain they aren’t man enough.

Anyone I have ever met, from billionaires to paupers, does not seem to have regrets from stepping on whoever they wanted for money or sex. Why do I care? Why do I stop myself from doing what everyone else does? Fifteen years of putting my family first instead of my own career and nothing to show for it. No one else seems to care.

Love – romance – respect. That’s just code for suckers. Fuck it. We are born with nothing. Die with nothing. Time to start getting to nothing. Time to start trying to hit bottom.

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