5/30/14 – her by Spike Jonze

I rented Her tonight. What an amazing film. Spike Jonze never disappoints. But it is so depressing to see myself in Theodore. Broken hearted and depressed. Looking for anything to hold to. Anything to make sense of things. Anyone to talk to that isn’t just work or kids or family. An outlet to fill up my time. Someone to want me and to want me to want them. The delusion that Hunter is getting along fine without me. Like things are better for her without me.

I know it’s not true. She came home earlier than anticipated today. I asked to hangout with my son in the afternoon. A couple of hours when she’s at work so not to take up her time. In typical fashion she texts me to pay Debbie for the week. It costs me $70 an hour to hang out and play Wii with my son. When she gets home with daughter she talks about needing to run an errand so I hang with both for a few more minutes. She eventually repays me, but quick goodbyes and I’m off. I can tell she is mad at me and trying to give me space.

Unfortunately she sent a couple of texts and emails and then had the kids call me about an hour after I left. I’m sure she is trying to make up for this week.

Some of the emails were regarding physical custody for the summer. I email her back about taking an extra couple of days so I don’t have the kids 11 days in a row on vacation and me taking an extra couple of days so Hunter doesn’t have the kids that long on her vacation and no response. There is never enough time she can give away with the kids. I am wondering if I should keep a spreadsheet of time. If the numbers get too out of whack from the dissolution support calcs we may need to talk. I am already giving up to much to get out of this thing. If she isn’t going to honor her commitment than I should get paid.

Again the movie still plays in my head. The line about still having conversations with her, rehashing old arguments, and defending myself against things she called me. All things I do on a daily basis.

Sharing a life with someone.

Growing up – growing apart.

The past is just a story we tell ourselves. – Samantha

Will you always come home and tell me about your day? – Theodore

That last line kills me. It’s actually the one thing that was so hard for me. Hunter slowly stopped talking about her day a long time ago. She was either tired, home late, or feeling guilty about things and projecting it on me. It finally destroyed everything between us.

Then I read into Amy’s character. She feels energetic and relieved about her divorce and I think is that how Hunter feels? Maybe part of her. I am sure the other part of her is scared. I know she was yelling at the kids in front of me over nothing today. I don’t know what she would stressed over. It’s certainly not the mail…

What’s the rush? Catherine jokes. And then she holds the pen in front of Theodore and I see my future. Empty. Single. Divorced. 30,000 miles of commute time a year and spending my life revolving around Hunter and the ever changing custody issues. No OS with Scarlett Johansson talking to me so I can date. Hiring a surrogate for me. Filling up my time.

And then I see it. Catherine a pretty and cold hearted jealous bitch. I know this is how it will end with Hunter. Her cold hearted, angry and bitchy at the signing unless she is dating then she will be gloating.

Me still in heartache depression wondering where it all went wrong. Knowing that it all went wrong long before I met her. My own guilt. My own fear. My own self loathing or lack of self esteem. Looking for someone to reflect my own lack of self worth back onto myself. Hunter – BPD – the perfect punisher.

Physical and emotional abuse for so long that I know longer know who I am. Having to rebuild while maintaining a structure for my kids and my clients and my ability to make a living. There are times when I wish I had Hunters ability to compartmentalize things. To turn off the emotions but I know that isn’t healthy.

We are only here briefly. And while I’m here I want to allow myself joy. So fuck it! – Amy

To let go of the fear. To trust myself. Not to need an intellectual reason for things. – Samantha

Maybe that’s the right attitude to adopt. Maybe I have let too many days go by unused already. Need to find a way to get excited about life again. Really excited. Not just the temporary facade I can be conjure up for others.

I know I should be able to do that without Hunter. I was able to do it before her at times.

Watching Samantha outgrow Theodore and I see I need to let Hunter go. I never loved anyone like her before. I guess I should be thankful…now I know how.

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