6/2/14 – Still Hating Her

This is not a healthy situation.  I know that anger is an energy and has it’s place in the world.  It is part of the healing process – one of the five stages of grief.  It helps to uplift a person out of depression and produce an adrenaline rush to garner energy and momentum if directed properly.  As the father of the two 20-something daughters in the apartment upstairs who seems to be back to his old f-bomb antics on the stairs right now can attest to, too much anger is an unhealthy reality.

I’ve been spending a lot of time reviewing the video I took of my son and what Hunter has been up to.  I know he hates to talk about it.  He has an unmistakable fear that the authorities will take him away from her so he tends to down play what has happened.  At the same time his constant reference that Hunter is aiming more of her anger at my daughter is disturbing.  Especially since my daughter has seem to have completed a 180 on Hunter.  She now wants to spend more nights over there and misses her mom all the time.

Tonight during our FaceTime daughter even went through the process of telling me she wants to stay at moms house.  Before Saturday she would always tell me how much she wants to stay with me, and spend more time with me, and wanted me to come to stay with her at moms house, or if I could take her to my house.  That seems to have changed, and that with my sons discussion about how Hunter has directed her anger at daughter is starting to piss me off.  That and I am still wondering how daughter got her thumb sized bruise on the inside of the her arm.  I am sure I am just reading more into things than may actually be there, but I also know that Hunter can be a time bomb of anger and explosive behavior.  She has hit me, my son, but I have never seen her do it to my daughter.

As a BPD it is not unusual for her behavior to be erratic to say the least, and her explosive anger adds to a small child’s instability and destroys its sense of security.  I can see my daughter already starting to mold her statements to the audience.  To me she tells me she wants to get away from Hunter and move to Orange County with me.  When mom arrives she tells her she wants to go home with her, but no crying.  My daughter is already mastering the art of targeted presentations based on the audience. I would rather her to learn to tell the truth appropriately.

The truth always comes through her imagination.  She is the mom and has two children.  An older son named Andy and a younger daughter named Molly.  If you have seen Toy Story you understand the dynamics.  However, in her world she is the mom and there tends to be a strong correlation between what she and her children live through and what happens at home.  When mom has a bad day at work and yells at Andy or Molly I know what happened.  When Molly wasn’t listening and had to spend time in her room I know why.  When Andy had a bad day and fought with mom I know what she is describing.

I just wish I knew what to do.  Having seen how my son can misinterpret my actions and blow them up into a situation where it seems that he would have gone to the ER instead of just his room its hard to understand what is real from what is hyperbole.  And small kids are always getting hurt and bruised – especially my dauntless daughter.

Again I sit here angry with Hunter.  I can’t get my time back, and I can’t make her punish herself enough to make up for what she’s done. I truly can’t figure out how much emotional damage she is inflicting on the kids and how much me asking about it is creating the issues.

In the end I don’t even know if I truly want her to hate herself anymore.  Who wants to live  knowing that you have destroyed so many lives for baseless fears?  Spending your days feeling nothing, angry, or constantly knowing that you are not the same as other people on the inside must be a frightening thing.  I just don’t have the strength right now to open up my compassionate side and not fall for her wiles or back into old relationship habits.  None of which would be healthy for any of us.

I just need to keep praying for my Creators forgiveness to flow through me to her.  I just don’t have the ability to generate that forgiveness for her internally right now. I would rather just hate and be angry with her, but that means I will never unchain myself from her or move forward in life.  We both need peace and a reboot.  Unfortunately, I just don’t believe she will ever get what she wants and I will be part of her life for at least another 15 to 20 years.  If she doesn’t get what she wants, I and my children will be the ones to pay for it emotionally, physically, and financially.

Obviously forgiveness, detachment, and faith are things I have failed to learn in my 40 years on Earth and will spend the remainder of my days learning these things until I can finally let go and move forward.

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