6/4/14 – No Matter How Hard I Try

Some days are just bound to be bad. I should have know sleeping in until 6:53 am would create such a day. Started out the morning in an emotional upheaval, but got my shit together by the end of my shower.

A little bit after that I get a text from Hunter responding to my text from yesterday / a few days ago regarding talking about saying hello and goodbye around the kids. She always waits a day or two to respond to anything. It’s almost like she waits for a day with nothing to talk about and then responds so she has something to contact me with. Needless to say she just texts to tell me she didn’t want to talk about a few days ago, but we should at least say hello and goodbye. It pisses me off so I don’t respond.

I do get a workout in the middle of the day. Finally…

Hunter calls right after I text her that it sounds like she doesn’t want to talk other than hello and goodbye. Just having to text her pisses me off so I send it voicemail. The voicemail talks about my son not wanting to go to therapy and can I go get him. She sends me a text with the same info and asking me to call her so I do.

That’s when we start to get into it. I don’t like the way the new ABA team is constantly hands on. She wants me to go and help out since it’s “my day.” I tell her the agreed upon plan was to have the ABA team drive over and assist son into the car to drive over to the therapists office. Her discussion is typical passive aggressive:

Don’t you want to help?

You don’t like how they restrain him and get physical with him – don’t you want to prevent that?

It’s your day you and your closer you should go.

Etc, etc, etc

I let her know that I don’t agree but the three of you did so go with the plan. I didn’t disagree during the emails so why call me know?

Hunter goes on about how she can’t win because she gets shit from me when she doesn’t include me in decisions and if she does I tell her not to.

I let her know there is already a decided plan in place there is no reason to call. This is different than her decision on summer school which wasn’t discussed at all.

She starts going on about how she will make all decisions without me now, and I start ripping her about how wrong that is.

We start discussing the texts and she starts to cry about how I act like she doesn’t exist. I tell her I am giving her the boundaries she wants. She tells me it’s common courtesy to say hello an goodbye. I started going off about how I’ve been holding this family together for the last 16 years and I can’t do it anymore. That she is only calling me because she needs me to make the decision she wants and to help out so she can work and I can’t do that anymore. She brings up it being my day again and I tell her it’s her day. I only get two hours from 6 – 8 so it’s her responsibility.

She starts talking about common courtesy and what we need to show the children. I go off about Chris and the affair. If I were anybody else I would be going off on you and hating you and talking shit about you to everyone. What did you do to him? You emailed his wife after he dumped you the second time and stopped taking to you just to take revenge. I’m at least not doing shit like that.

She starts talking about how she didn’t call about that but the kids. I tell her don’t bring up things if she doesn’t want to talk about them. She needs to make another call so she is going to hang up but keeps talking so I hang up instead.

What a stupid butch. Always needing me to help her with the family and her job. I guessing after today she is going to seriously reconsider constantly contacting me to help her with things.

The afternoon is spent hanging out with daughter for an hour shopping at the store and getting the dry cleaning before we go to Grado to pick up my son. Unfortunately he’s not there and when he does arrive it’s nothing but hell from him.

Hunter gets home and wants to talk but I don’t. She starts talking about leaving and when to pick up the kids. Same time as usual so what’s the need for discussion. I tell her she can go I’m sure she has plans. She starts talking about the step challenge at her work and I start walking away. I hear her start crying a little bit as she walks out the door. I don’t want to hurt her as much as pushing her away to leave me alone.

The bigger problem is spending the next hour avoiding flying objects, getting hit and spit at and protecting my daughter. I am proud of myself. I never lose my temper and constantly reinforce that I haven’t raised my voice , call him a name, or touch him (other than to keep him spitting at my daughter) in a negative way.

There are occasional tickle sessions and hugging / fake kissing sessions to try and drag him out of the mindset. Nothing worked.

Finally upstairs he is slamming the door, throwing things, spitting, etc. I try and keep the door shut but he pulls it open. I try and keep it open and he slams it shut. The last door game ends up me opening the door when he is running to open the door and he slams his head into the door handle.

There is a Harry Potter indentation on his forehead and he is screaming at the top of his lungs. I run downstairs and get ice and he seems like a normal kid after the tears dry up. I’m heart broken. All that time and effort to keep composure and he still gets hurt.

As soon as he stops crying I start to make sandwiches for dinner for the kids and Hunter walks in.

The three is us have dinner in the breakfast nook at the table and Hunter sits alone in the dining room. She goes upstairs afterwards and closes the door. I can tell she is still hurting, but I’m too depressed at having to spend my evening in that house. I hate it. Pictures of her when she started cheating on me. All my shit gone or not mine anymore. My cats who follow me around for attention and knowing Hunter doesn’t pet them anymore.

To make it worse sons teacher calls Hunter and talks about how his daydreaming has gotten out of control and today he didn’t know where he was or what he was doing when his teacher finally was able to get him out of the daydreaming. Sounds like he his going through another round of petite mal seizures.

Fuck!!! Whenever his anxiety goes ape shit or it gets too hot the seizures come in. This summer is going to suck between him and her, and to make things worse my daughter kept going on about sleeping over at my house all afternoon.

My heart can’t take much more of this. It’s too bruised and beaten down to take anymore abuse.

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