6/8/14 – Decimate

I worked out and lazed around most of today. Slept in and woke up from a dream in which Hunter is being given a raise at my firm – I object – she walks away mumbling something and then says it must be so humiliating for you.

I get it my subconscious is telling why I’m so angry. Not only has she been more successful than me due to my sacrifices and her blocking me at certain points in my career, but her very public and psychotic affair damaged my career. More importantly it damaged my ego and self esteem. I am really just embarrassed by what a stupid loser I was to want to believe her lies. I obviously have a lot of self esteem to build up.

While lazing around I watched Green Street Hooligans and Ted. Might watch Fight Club tonight. Obviously something in me wants to fight back against something, but there is nothing to fight. Too long ago, too many poor choices based on a false belief to spare my ego and in the end it decimated it. And here I sit with my three year daughter in her room and all I am thinking is how the definition of decimate has changed through the centuries.

Originally it was a term for a “motivational tactic” or a punishment a general might use on his warriors. It was lining everyone up and killing every tenth person. Deci – 10. Now it means to completely destroy. I guess going through a decimation in the historic sense would decimate anyone’s psyche. In some ways that’s what happened to me.

I am really only one-tenth of what I was or could have been. Just a tithe – 10%. It’s what every parent is supposed to do to a newborn – count 10 fingers and 10 toes. It wasn’t for the Hindus we would not have the placeholder 0 to count to ten. Then again the 0 gives me what I am feeling right now – empty of empathy or compassion. 100% HATE.

That’s not a healthy place to be at. I realize that but Hunters smug attitude is getting on my nerves. Always with the “common courtesy.” Always an issue once a month with Son who refuses to come over tonight. I know she doesn’t consciously make it happen, but if you are afraid of belong alone you can subconsciously make a lot of things happen. So I just left him there. She calls and wants to know the story on why he got out of the car after he finally got in.

– He said mom does all the really good stuff and everything with you is bad. I don’t want to go. So I told him I wasn’t going to tolerate that at my house and if he wanted to stay he could. He said he did so I told him to get out and stay home.

– You didn’t take him out?

– No. I told you Wednesday and you heard me five minutes ago that I was not going to force him into the car.

– Ok. I just wanted to hear your side of the story. He told me you pulled him out of the car.

– What have I been telling you? I don’t like the physically violent world that you guys have him in. You are constantly yelling at him and putting your hands on him. The behavioral therapists are constantly putting their hands on him. I’m tried of it. I don’t want to do it anymore. Either he comes or not but I’m not going to drag him into the car or anyplace else.

– Ok what am I supposed to do?

– I don’t know. You win ok. You took my job, you took my career, my cats, my kids, my money. You took my self esteem and dignity and embarrassed my in front of everyone I know. You took everything so I don’t what else you want from me.

– Thats not what I called about. I called about Son.

– What do you want from me? I’m not going to drag him around so that you can have a date night.

– So you just want him to get whatever he wants by not doing something?

– You guys have all agreed on this treatment. I told you I don’t like it, but all of you agrees with it so do it. I’m not going to do it anymore.

– Fine I’ll just cut the services just like you want.

– Don’t blame this on me. I wanted the social circle club so he could make some friends with similar issues in a controlled environment. They never got us into that. I don’t know what you want from me. You all agreed so move forward. I don’t want to constantly be putting my hands on him anymore. Hell I spent all Wednesday trying not to touch him or get upset and he still ended up with a bump on his head.

Besides I’m sure he will come around in a little bit. Whoever you are meeting up with tonight will understand if you are a little late.

She starts going on about her “pity me” story and all I’m doing is going to the store (cry a little) etc, etc. I doubt I believe any of it much anymore. She is just trying to manipulate my emotions.

Somewhere in the discussion are my allegations of her emotional abuse and parental alienation of the kids against me. I tell her she is not allowed to tell them I broke the marriage. She’s not allowed to tell them that she will kick them out of the house like she did me if they tell her they want to spend time with me.

She goes on about how she didn’t and I call her out. She avoids the unnecessary lies to defend herself and goes on the attack stating the kids tell her things about what I say, but doesn’t say what. I tell her that’s fine I wouldn’t have to say things if I wasn’t having to defend myself against your lies. She turns the conversation on what should she do….

I take my daughter to Chipotle and get her the build your own taco meal. She loves it. It’s her first time there. I tell her it’s important to try new things. She eventually gets bored and puts chips in her drink and calls it a margarita. “It smells chippy. Smell it – it smells chippy.”

I just wish I could take her away from all this. Get her away from Hunter and this constant struggle and violence.

Especially since it appears Hunter is now switching tactics and buying their love. I’m sure Son has been telling her dad buys them dinner all the time why doesn’t she. Yesterday and Thursday they go out to dinner. Today they go out for donuts. Last week the Animal Park and the week before the Zoo. Part of the phone conversation goes something like this after I talk to her about it.

– What am I supposed to do stay home all day?

– You would never let me do those things when we were together but now it’s ok? There must be something you are looking to get out of it. Especially since you know I can’t do it with the Sunday routine – church, park, lunch, and extended family dinner.

She switches the conversation to son again.

She texts me latter and asks me what to do since son doesn’t want to go. I tell her I’m not going to drag him into the car, but if she wants to she can drop him off.

She says no and she will drop it off after church.

I text her later and asks if she needs more boxes. She says yes she needs to box my Aunts china. I tell her that I am assuming that all the other stuff I will take (tools, luggage, ornaments, personal effects, exercise equipment and camping gear, etc). No response. I’m guessing she doesn’t realize how much I will take since most of that stuff is pre-marriage. I bet a dollar the cordless drill goes missing by tomorrow too.

She also fesses up that she has still been going to my church service time but she is going to change it after this weekend.

I wish I could be Tyler Durden’s dad and start a new franchise. I hope Hunter figures out a way to let me go. I’m tired of having all of the responsibility of the family and kids while not getting any of the benefit of the situation. I’m not getting sex or money or security or love. Just pain and emotional instability. I hope she can find a way to overcome her BPD ways and get on with living a life instead of decimating everyone else’s around her. No amount of church groups are going to save her soul until she can come to terms with her past and be humble enough to seek help.

Self improvement is masturbation. Self destruction is the answer…Tyler Durden.

You have to get rid of everything before you can become anything. Tyler Durden.

Tyler loved decimation….

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