6/9/14 – Black Swan

Sitting here in the middle of the day contemplating my life situation. I can’t change it. I don’t want it. I want what I thought we would be working towards. I never thought that after I said “I was miserable – let’s have fun” she wouldn’t grab the handle with me and work on making it better. I knew she was miserable too so why wouldn’t you jump on that train? She didn’t love me anymore because of all the guilt and frustration and staying silent and in pain all these years. She felt I was using her or ignoring her and she accepted it because she didn’t want to be alone and didn’t want to admit to the psychotic shit she did to Chris. That’s a lot of Catholic guilt to store up and release.  Easier for her to walk away than deal with things appropriately.  Then again that’s the way she always done things on a personal level.  Even professionally when Chris and everyone related to the job and her left the firm to get away from her and the affair she stayed there and took the whispers and name calling behind her back.  I don’t know how she could stand it.  Then again I was hating her but sticking by her since I didn’t know the truth.

I guess it wouldn’t be so bad if she wasn’t always around physically or virtually. Calls, emails, texts constantly coming in everyday.

I laid a heavy guilt trip on her last night dropping my son off. His middle name is the same (I am guessing so I don’t know for sure) as Chris’s. I know we had talked about the middle name before Chris. Years before she knew him. But I am so filled with rage right now that I told her how sick I was about her naming our son after Chris. She says I don’t know what I’m talking about. She doesn’t know his middle name and I should get over it. I forcefully remind her of the truth and she changes tactics since I am sure she remembers now. I walk off.

Later I call after the kids are asleep and she blows me off. So I text her asking why she is blowing me off. I know why. I wouldn’t answer expecting some one to rip me a new one. She tells me he is busy getting my sons stuff ready for school. I used to pack his lunch everyday in the morning – takes 8 minutes max. She calls me an hour later and I let it go to voicemail. No message last night.

No text or emails today. She said she would work on her notes and changes to the MSA yesterday, but another text earlier in the day tells me she is doing job related work. I also see that she has dug up a few more books of mine out of her pile. I am wondering if she will ever realize that Black Swan is not about the movie or Swan Lake.  Its my book as are all of the sociology-economic books / game theory / finance stuff.

I keep focusing on that book because 1 – I never finished it as the writing is a bit too much hyperbole and isn’t as succinct as I like my socio-economic books to be, and 2 – similar concepts are more easily covered by say Outliers from Malcolm Gladwell. Needless to say my marriage was my biggest personal black swan.

I keep trying to figure how to navigate these waters. Being vengeful with a side of deep seeded anger and rage is unhealthy and disrupts the emotional stability of me and my children besides inflicting emotional damage on them. At the same time trying to be sympathetic to her condition (even though she does not know or even try to understand she has a severe mental disorder) only makes me want to find a way to repair what it so obviously broken beyond its limits.

I know she doesn’t want back into this thing. She is too hurt by my actions and words; too damaged to decide to “do the work” to repair the relationship or grow her internal personality from a three year old frightened little girl to an adult women capable of handling these things. She has all the assets and the kids, although she knows she can’t handle them. She has morphed into some strange unhealthy, yet for her stabilizing, hybrid of my Aspie son and her artistic mom and emotionally unavailable dad. All she wants is for us to be friendly. Her version of friends since I never saw her call anyone ever unless she is called first or hears gossip at PwC that she wants details on. Almost never was she called first after hours unless it’s family. I understand emails and texts serve that purpose nowadays, but our generation still communicates via phone on occasion. And did entirely the decade before she got a phone with text capabilities.

Emails – black swan for the USPS.

Texts – black swan for AT&T, Verizon, etc

Msg apps – black swan for texts

FaceBook – black swan for real social relationships

I always wonder how the millenniums interact. The X generation played games with each other, called people on phones, and dated via bars or social circles (my choice). This new generation is online of everything and studies show everyone is lonelier than ever before. I saw a study yesterday that shows “hooks up” increased (“casual sexual relationships”) over the last 50 years (18 – 25 year olds in each generational study), but the number of sexual partners did not increase. So people are having sex less often per partner. The real question was why? That never got answered.

Why are people not staying in relationships? My guess – the grass is always greener and the more you stay online seeing only the positive side of others than you think everyone else is wonderfully happy. Most of the time wonderfully happy people are not posting it since they live it and don’t need an avenue to disseminate false information. People that are in need of attention post shit all the time.

I used to hear how great it is for business, or reconnecting with others from high school etc. After twenty years if you still have a lot in common with that person then neither of you have grown as beings. If both of you have grown then what kept you together back then cannot possibly bind you now. Either way it doesn’t look like a healthy issue. Then again I started to make this public in April so I am obviously trying to fill a gap in my interconnected needs since Hunter is gone.

And that’s the biggest problem. She can live alone for almost a year before it eats her up. Maybe longer with the kids and church groups. I need more. Always have and she ended up cutting out all my other venues for socialization that I had and became completely dependent on her. Her BPD made that a necessity so that she knew I would never leave. Now that I have I’m dying inside for some connections and to me Facebook just makes me lonelier. No ever posts I’m alone and need someone to talk to. Besides I’ve been away from everyone so long that it would be strange to try and reengage them. I’m not anything like I was a long time ago.

Just wish I could shake this needy feeling inside me to connect with others so I didn’t constantly rely on her. I know she relies on me. That was obvious on her trip over Memorial Day. A running picture and text commentary of her life and movements.

I wish I could be nice to her without being hurt. It would be best for me, the kids, and her. I wish I could do it without the emotional draw of wanting her back when I am around her. Although I think part of that is her. It creeps me out when she has hair and makeup on for work or meetings and I run into her.

On Sunday we did a handoff for our son at church since he wouldn’t stay over at my place. She had her church group that morning so she did her hair. She looked good, but I have to be stone so I don’t try and jump up and kiss her. I know intellectually she didn’t do it for me she did it for the meeting. Who doesn’t try to look nice when meeting new people?

But I want it to be for me. I want her to want to do it for me. I want her to want to heal herself and repair us. I want what does not exist and that is the definition of suffering.

I’m tired of hurting myself and my children and her with my hate and anger. The suffering I’m causing is probably worse than if I could just put my head in the sand and find a way to make the false marriage work. To do that I would have to give up my life and soul to her knowing that I she got the opportunity she would cheat again. Causing more suffering.  And worst is she really does not want it.  She wants a fresh start.  She just doesn’t understand that you have to first learn why you did what you did, why it was wrong, and how you would do it differently before a fresh start.  Emotionally as well as intellectually.

How do I let go of the anger without getting my heart dragged back into things? Slowly? But then I think am I doing this so that she will let go of her anger of me and we can start fresh? Yes. Is she? No. She is just using my emotional state as her stabilizing force to go off into the world and find my replacement. What a f’d reality! I wish I knew how to get out of this hole.

Maybe I need to go to Australia again. That’s where the British found black swans and nullified (black swan problem) or created (black swan theory), depending on how you look at things. Either way it would be nice to take a walkabout and get LOST for a while…

2 thoughts on “6/9/14 – Black Swan

    • Thanks for the comment! If I ever find a way out of this mess I will send a map to everyone else. Keep up your healing and moving forward. One day we will all give up ghost and wish we had done more in the present and thought less about the past!

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