6/18/14 – Detachment

I’m not sure what to do anymore. I can’t seem to let go of my kids. I don’t know how to help them and everything I try and do to help gets distorted somehow or another.

I’m still pissed off that the therapist dumped my son. I tried to talk to Hunter about it but she was unwilling to discuss it. The text went to calls and the calls went to screaming. All I hear from her is how she isn’t going to allow me to make her feel small anymore. I’m not allowed to abuse her. That set me off.

She beats on me for four years, constantly calls me fat, stupid, lazy, unsuccessful and embarrassing. She has no friends, she doesn’t have anyone that she is close to from her family, she cheated on me and embarrassed herself as well as me and although I may not earn as much as her I am still in the top 10% of the country of income and assets even after the divorce. She will have an extremely difficult time finding someone that makes more than her although I did for 14 of the almost 16 years together.

I finally hangup on her and text her not to call or text me anymore. If it’s an emergency she can patch through to my cell or email me.

Of course she says she will get me the MSA docs today last night. Not yet.

What she does do is start a pissing contest with the therapist via email. She tells the therapist that at next meeting Hunter wants her staff to demonstrate how they restrain Son, why the case is too demanding, and if the parents are supposed to be involved why weren’t we told of this. She also makes a comment about how she feels this is a money / legal liability issue. Yeah that always makes people warm and fuzzy. Having been at a firm that gets sued by defunct public companies on occasional I can tell you there is little value in a threat. It just shuts people down and into defense mood.

The head of the practice writes back that our in home aid restrained our son for twenty minutes before her team was on scene and we will talk more at the meeting.

I send an email outside the chain thanking them for everything and how I would recommend them, that I’m not looking to assign blame or liability – just helping my son. Please give me a couple of referrals so I can take him to the next place and get treatment. She sends me a name and tells me to use Dr’s name since she isn’t taking on new patients but will take my son as a courtesy to Dr. I keep telling Hunter this is the way the world works but she doesn’t like it. Then again it took me decades to learn this and only in the last few years have I figured this out.

Thankfully Ben is back in town and willing to see me tonight. I’m missing my networking event tonight but I need guidance. I don’t need to get shit of my chest I need a cheat sheet to figure out my next move. I’m am totally lost and I can’t seem to fight anymore. I just want to crawl home to Orange County, lick my wounds, heal and regroup. I just wish my daughter was going with me but I know Hunter will never let it happen. She knows daughter is her last string on me and the only thing that she can pull me around with.

I woke up at four this morning looking for my voice activated recorder. It’s not a nanny-cam just a note taking device but my thoughts were to put it upstairs and record whats going on. Them I’m thinking to myself – am I breaking the law? It’s still my house legally but not intentionally. I have access to it all the time with my house keys. I have my stuff in there and she knows I come and go with implied permission.

If it was legal to do would it be permissible as evidence? Would there be anything on there that was worthwhile? What if she found it? Wouldn’t I need a visual recorded, ie nanny cam?

That’s what is killing me. It’s not in my nature to fight this way. I’m honest and upfront – if I’m going to take a swing I do it face-to-face. I can’t fight her in this war. She’s been playing outside the boundaries all her life. I’m uncomfortable there. Her instinctual moves would be advanced to me and her advanced moves are beyond my imagination. It’s a war I can’t win. It’s a war she won several years ago before we moved down to North County. I’m sure somewhere in her subconscious she new this was a potential outcome and it works for her. A “man” (son) who will never leave and do whatever she wants. A man who she can use as an excuse for not venturing out in life “son.” And a man to blame for all of the bad things that have happened (me). A daughter to mold into her own imagine and be her “girl friend,” or at least introduce her to girl friends that doesn’t have to be part of the church.

Talking with Ben was beneficial but heart breaking. He gets it. He’s met my son and Hunter. Saw us as a family for several months on a weekly basis before son was diagnosed Aspergers. His second wife was a Borderline and has some personal memories to help reflect on.

He seemed disappointed at first about my thoughts about moving, but after understanding what has happened with sons mindset from Hunters outburst he gets it.

– I tell him I don’t want to let them go.

– You don’t have to let them go, but you have to detach from them. You know the difference right?

I intellectually know the difference but not emotionally yet. It’s still tough especially since Hunter and I are fighting so much and the kids are getting hammered in between. Leaving will rock Hunters fear chord, but may also give some relief by me no longer trying to get them.

We both agree that she will most likely never get help and as Ben put “elevated Son to the King seat of the house.” Sons job to protect and defend mom which is what he is doing. I hate to say it but unless something changes on Hunters end he is lost to me. All my dreams of throwing the ball around, batting cages, driving ranges, video games and USC football games, dad advice and heart-to-hearts vanishing in front of me. My dreams for him and I dying. “You can love him from afar” is Bens take on it.

His fear for me son is mine, but he doesn’t know how to help there. He knows Hunter owns him now and I just need to “detach” from expectations and just love him however I can whenever I can. I just need to keep telling myself my kids are not mine but my Creators. I am here just to aid and assist to the best of my ability. When Hunter allows I will be there for my children. When not I will hide in the shadows and pray peace befalls them.

He did say out loud what my fear for my daughter was without me saying a word. The abuse and security issues that my daughter is experiencing (constantly hugging her blanket and changing her statements based on the audience) may lead to a similar resulting personality disorder as Hunter and potentially Hunter’s mom. Not that I know about the mom, but Hunter and several others note that her moms personality changes when she is with her second husband and when she is not around him. And the whole “I am dead to that family” from her point of view tends to give some weight to the fact. Then again Hunter is telling them all how mean and horrible and small I made her fell so she has painted me as the villain.

Detaching from my daughter is the hardest part. I know I will never have the same connection with son as Hunter does. I had a deeper connection with Daughter. I’m her pet Tiger. I’m her king. I’m her daddy. Soon Hunter will derail that and then blame me for her problems later on.

I pray God will find a way. Find a way for my heart to detach. Find a way for my daughter to make it through ok. Find a way for Hunter to seek therapy. Find a way to save my son. Find a way for my daughter to find her way back to her Tiger. I love being her pet Tiger. I love her so…

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