Today was a waste – maybe not really. Ben would say I needed the break. Slept in until almost 8 am after going to bed by 9 pm. Kept House Season 3 running while doing laundry, dishes, picking up the house. Ran some errands.
No call from the kids last night. I am sure it is Hunter’s way of retaliation for not even looking at her yesterday when dropping off my daughter.
One article I read about dealing with separation from BPD partners told me the biggest problem with No Contact is the implementation. People cut off discussion cold turkey. That doesn’t work with kids. As I have gone back and forth using no communication with Hunter things have gotten worse. When I try and lighten things up she gets clingy. When I don’t talk to her at all she vacillates between tears and vengeance. Tough to train her to be in the middle when that isn’t the way she lives.
The articles suggestion was to maintain even emotions and talk with the BPD former partner normally. Keep it business professional without emotional swings. Not a lack of emotion since that is easy to see through and can be interpreted as a reaction. The goal is no emotional reaction to anything said or done. It’s the emotional reaction that gives the Borderline power and incentive to continue doing what he/she is doing. The goal – removing the emotional turmoil / friction the BPD’s words and deeds generate. No reaction then the BPD will find a new person to help fill the hole.
That’s even harder when your son has Aspergers and is not dealing with anything well right now. Especially me. Most of this is Hunter’s doing. She has planted so much in his head that everything is incorrectly interpreted. Part of it is me and not being able to control my anger. I don’t jump to anger as fast as Hunter, but I am sure when I am angry it can be scary for him.
I need to really practice my discipline. Meditation – working out – keeping to my schedule. I’ve never been one to enjoy routine that much. I enjoy the freedom that flexibility provides. However, routine creates a stable environment for family, friends, and traditional lives. Most of those things and beneficial to the spiritual growth of the individual and society in general.
For Hunter, whatever rules and persona she has decided is hers to step into have given her the routine and boundaries to keep from doing the horrific things she has done in the past. The problem is under stress the rules breakdown. Now she is starting to cross them since intense fear makes them useless and her fear of losing the kids is making her do unthinkable things right now. It’s 10 – 11 years ago again. I get to see and be the target of Hunters vengeful insanity instead of Chris. However I don’t have a wife to email, just kids to corrupt.
I texted her to tell me how yesterday was and call a truce for a while. She sent me a very nice email about how everything is roses over there. Nothing about a truce. Nothing about what son had to say about not wanting to see me. I’m guessing she is attempting to use the emails as documentation for a positive and loving environment at Grado, and if she were to state what he said in an email she wouldn’t be able to lie about it later.
Everyone close to her knows the happy home image is not true, but there are no close bonds in a court room. I am tired of getting upset over these things. I know I say this all the time, but when you spend an hour or two being yelled at, hit, kick, spit on, and the target of thrown objects it’s hard for me to keep my composure. Especially since I hear Hunter’s words come out of his mouth, and now my sons words coming out of my daughters mouth.
I just need to focus in improving me. Making a safe house or the kids whether in San Diego or Orange County. If God sees fit to enlighten the kids to seek shelter with me I need to be in a place to provide it. Right now that yo-yo of peace and anger is everywhere for these kids when the two of them are together. Just too much to handle for Hunter or I right now. I pray God provides me with peace to guide my children into that arena. I hope God guides Hunter into counseling. I hope Julia has time on Friday afternoons for my son and I to do joint counseling and that it works to repair the relationship before it’s too late.
I keep thinking about where I’m going to live and dating, but I keep reminding myself of my commitments to myself. No decisions until after next busy season. No dating until after Halloween. That’s part of my discipline. Meditating today was part of it too. Working out tomorrow before the kids get up or meditating would be too.
Well all has broken loose. Hunter sends me over a note that Debbie had written about her conversation with my son yesterday and why he doesn’t want me to come over. It states that I hit and slap him with my arms and my hands. Whatever is in his head is now a serious issue for me. I ask Hunter to call me and she does. I tell her I don’t what’s going on, but I don’t want him to be with me unsupervised anymore. I don’t want to go to jail. I ask her does she find any bruising or scratches. She says no and she doesn’t believe that I hurt him. Then she asks why I would go to jail. I tell her that counselor are automatic reporters. When son and I go to counseling, he will reiterate what he told Debbie and I will be investigated and I won’t be able to see any of the kids alone. If I can’t prove I didn’t do what he says I did I could go to jail, lose my license, and never see the kids again unsupervised. I don’t want my life ruined over false allegations. I tell her I don’t know what is going on over there or in his head, but I am unwilling to go to jail over these things in his head. I tell her that he and she need to figure things out, but I am not willing to spend time alone with him anymore if this is what is going to happen. Before she drops them off she texts me about what to do about son. I tell her I don’t know but I don’t have someone to be with me and him right now and I am uncomfortable being with him by myself. She says she will take him. Wow – it’s just what her fear needs to be calmed. I am so fucked.
All I can think of is what Hunter told me about what she did to Chris when it was over. He wouldn’t leave his wife so she faked a pregnancy. When that didn’t work she lied about a miscarriage. When that didn’t work she emailed his wife. And now that insanity and vengeance is pointed at me, and my life will soon be a nightmare of epic proportions. She has no idea what she has put in motion. I could temporarily lose the children, and to defend myself she could lose them too. With all of the daily logs this year, videos, and photos, they could be put into foster care (at worst) or with one of our siblings (at best) until all this shit gets sorted out. If they go to my former brother-in-law, they will come out of that house hating me and assuming I was abusing them. Unfortunately, I don’t think my parents, my sister, or my brother-in-law can handle both of them. I doubt any of them can handle my son alone. I don’t know what to do. I am afraid – truly afraid knowing how she ruined Chris and made him flee to Seattle. The next few years are going to be horrible, and I don’t know how to make this go away. I think whatever has happened in his mind and with her help has now taken a life of its own on a trajectory I cannot control. I’m guessing I am going to need a different type of attorney and $100K. I guess a house is out of the question, but then again if I don’t spend the money I won’t like the free government housing Hunter will put me in.
It just kills me. After reading the books and blogs and Ben warning me I thought I was being careful talking with people, video taping my son talking about things, taking notes on this thing almost everyday and she still manages to make this happen. Splitting and Ben were right – this pretty little face in a petite body have truly started ruining my life.
I talked with my sister. She told me to spend time with him with others until things get settled more. She also hypothesized that son is saying this stuff to gain control of where he is at. Specifically to prevent me from “taking him away from her.” I’ve always said I didn’t want to but I am sure he has started to put two and two together and figured out how to manipulate the system to stay with mom and prevent me from asking about them. In the end Hunter gets everyone surrounding her, all her money, and an excuse to never experience life. God I hope there is a way out of this.