Hunter was desperate to drop my son off this morning. Multi-text / email by 8 am. I let her know my daughter and I have plans and if he wants to come we would love it. She drops him off before 9 am.
My son still won’t look me in the eye. So as music plays in the background I start taking to him:
– Are you scared of me?
– Are you happy to be here?
– Yeah, don’t I look happy?
– No. You won’t look me in the eye. That makes me think you don’t want to be here or you are afraid of me.
– No, but I don’t like it when I tell you I’m happy and you don’t think I am.
– Ok. If you say your happy I believe you. Do you think I’m going to hurt you?
– Why did you tell Debbie that you didn’t me want to come over yesterday because I hurt you with my body?
– You told me to tell people if mom uses her body to hurt me.
– Does mom hurt you with her body?
– Why didn’t you tell Debbie about mom hurting you?
– Because if I tell about mom then Social Services will take me away from her.
– Who told you about Social Services? Those are big words for a little kid.
– I don’t know. I just know some things. (I’m guessing he’s learned it from school since his special ed program has had some issues with kids)
– If you tell people I hurt you what do you think they will do with me?
– Oh dear. I don’t know what to do. If I tell about both of you then they take both of us away (my daughter is now sitting next to him).
– It’s ok Son. I don’t think they will take you away from me. And even if they took both of you away they would give them to one of our family. (I go on to talk about uncles/aunts/grandparents would be used to take of them).
– Oh no. Now I don’t know what to do. I don’t want anyone taken away.
– Son, don’t you want the family to get better?
– Yeah. That’s why mom is having us meet with Julia again. (He starts going about his memories of when he used to meet with her on Tuesdays.)
– Does mommy hurt you?
– Who hurts you more mommy or me?
– Who hurts daughter more?
– Mommy. You don’t use your body on daughter.
– Then don’t you think that mommy should see Julia with us? How come mommy wants you and I to get better but she won’t go to get better?
– (He starts talking about getting taken away again and both of them batting taken away, etc)
– Don’t you want everyone to get better?
– Yes, but I don’t want to anyone to be taken away.
– I know. I don’t think anyone will be taken away. So shouldn’t we talk about mom with Miss Julia?
– I guess.
– Will you promise me when we go together that you will tell Julia about mom so everyone gets better?
– I promise. Can we go now?
And off we go and have a fun time at the aquarium. Back for lunch nap (at least quiet time) and movie.
After daughters nap and sons movie he wants to draw and play in his room. We talk a little when he takes his meds then back to the room. Once his siter is up he doesn’t want to go anywhere. He doesn’t want to do anything. Eventually he wants to call Hunter so I give him the phone and dial for him.
Hunter answers with an attitude then hears his voice and becomes pleasant. She is such a chameleon. No true person underneath. Just a mismatch of personas that help her get through life. I have a hard time looking at her and talking to her anymore. Now all I see is the monster than refuses to acknowledge her problems or seek help. I even got her an annual pass to the aquarium today. Hand it to her and not even a thanks. I got my “half” of daughters class photos and I am missing an 8 x 10 and the digitals. Funny she paid less than $30 for the $40 package that I owe her $20 for, but she hasn’t asked for any money. I am hoping she is doing something nice like getting me my own 8 x 10 in a frame or framing a picture for my parents before sending me the digitals. I’m sure I will have to ask for things so she can be rude about it.
She comes and picks him up and tells Hunter it was too hot in my place. Funny – my central air is cooler than Hunters fans. I am starting to think he is adjusting his answers based on what he wants. Dangerous to create an Aspergers Borderline with anger issues…
Spent the rest of the evening with dinner, bath, tv, book and my first foray into painting toe nails. Interesting feeling when the 25 year old blonde and the 35 year old mom are watching me and my daughter trying to find the aisle containing nail polish. It wasn’t embarrassing; almost empowering. I am sure most guys wouldn’t have the balls to buy hot pink nail polish for their three year old. Sucks for them! I may not be good at it yet, but every moment of bonding with my daughter is better than tapping some PYT, and it saddens me so few men understand this. I love my princess so much. I love my prince but he and Hunter are going to realign my reality the next couple of years.
Thankfully it’s all the way it is meant to be. When in a peaceful place I know this intimately. Not because I see how it the design is working for me, but because as as outsider I see how all of these astronomically rare events had to unfold precisely in a systematic way to confront Hunter’s past to allow her one last opportunity in this life to deal with her demons and grow exponentially from a spiritual perspective. If the universe has aligned in such an unpredictable and amazingly accurate way to help provide Hunter with this gift of growth (even if she does not take it) then it must be doing it for me.
That or it’s the Coronado Islander IPA – which was surprising good. Time for a few more minutes of snuggle with my daughter who is using it for extra tv time. Tomorrow morning is going to be a struggle…