6/26/14 – Promise Kept

Waking up at 4ish with my anger for Hunter isn’t a healthy thing. At least I was able to get to my office in Orange County before 6:30 am. Unfortunately, all of the contact with her yesterday and discussions about my son have stirred the calm I had the last couple of days into an emotional spin this morning. I haven’t been able to pull myself out of it like the last few weeks where I have either gotten into a dull depression or quick rage, but able to get out of the funk in less than an hour with things to occupy my time (like tv).

Yesterday and today have been overly trying. Son has been kicked out of summer camp two days in a row now. Of course she calls me to help. Yesterday I text her after I get her message that I am leaving and she tells me Debbie is picking him up. Today I get my parents to help.

What frustrates me is the fact that in yesterday’s meeting with his ABA team she says almost nothing. The most she talks about is the fact the his aid at camp called Monday/Tuesday to talk about how son isn’t participating in the swimming – his favorite activity. Naturally, this is the first I have heard about it.

After our meeting we talk about tonight and having me try and take them out to dinner (someplace junkie to leverage him out). She starts talking about how she is getting tired of his tirades and wishes she had as much 1-1 time with my daughter. All I think is she talks about how easy he is when son and her are 1-1, but I know she didn’t want a son just a daughter. Just like Daisy in the Great Gatsby.

The memoir book she wrote about what her and Chris’s life would have been like had she really been pregnant is a modern version of a happy ending to the Great Gatsby. And she always says there is no meaning in the book – just a great story. Oh – everyone but Daisy and her husband Tom dies from their respective infidelity. Thankfully for Chris and I, I have no plans on crossing state lines with my Sig.

I keep going back to our first marriage counseling meeting where Hunter tells our counselor that the only way she could improve her family is to get a different husband and a different son. I am sure once she gets rid of both of us she will eventually do the same to our daughter as all her props never rise to the level of her fantasy that she has for any of us. And when I feel this I wonder why I care about her.  

But its not really caring.  Whenever I fantasize about us getting back together and she has gotten help, or after we both retire and neither of us are seeing anyone so we travel together, its all about the fear of not having enough money.  She ended up with the cushy job that pays monster, and talking with her last night discuss how they are putting the domestic team underneath her I know she will be getting the Senior Director position in a few years.  $500k a year and she wants $24 to split my daughters pictures and I still haven’t gotten my 8 x 10.

Last night we talk about vacations and she still refuses to help out with him during my week. I don’t need her help – he does. She just wants a break and to not have to deal with him.

– She asks – Can’t I leave him at my parents for a night to break up the week for you?  They love spending time with them.

– Yeah, but it doesn’t alleviate his need to be connected to you.

– Well let’s see how things go…

I get her email this morning regarding her trip to her moms. Leave on Monday – home on Friday and she isn’t telling my son he has to be on a plane. She doesn’t want to worry him. I think that might be a disaster in the making unless she can drug them up really well.

Talking with her today about my son and I can hear her desperation. She doesn’t know what else to do. “We medicate him, special aids, preferred activities, and counseling and he still gets kicked out. It’s like he is doing it on purpose.” I don’t have the heart to tell her she may actually be exacerbating the issue. The more he feels that she is disconnecting from him – pushing him away to me – pushing him out of the house – complaining about not spending enough time with daughter – the tighter his grip will be. When you fear losing something vitally important you react poorly.

She does it for her fear of abandonment and self loathing. I did it for the end of the marriage (although not in the same galaxy), son is doing it to not lose mom. The more she pushes him out the worse it gets.

Eventually daughter will not be good enough to sit on moms fantasy pedestal and she will get knocked off just like Patrick, me, son, etc. I hope I can keep it together for the kids. I hope she gets help. I hope I can let go of my fear of the future soon. It’s got to be playing havoc with my health. Thankfully I did a blood draw yesterday and have an appointment in two weeks. Should be interesting to see where my numbers are.

Tonight went as planned. As soon as my sons tv show ends he is attacking me and his sister. Hitting, spitting, throwing things – eventually he gets a hammer and threatens to smash the tv. I gently take the hammer and other tools to the garage. Smartly this week I keep the house keys on me so when he locks me out I can get back in.

I eventually have to pretend to restrain him. I’m not even putting any effort into it and he isn’t really struggling. He doesn’t bite or head butt, but starts kissing and licking my hand. Just nasty! He thinks it’s funny since it “feels weird.” I don’t know where he got that trick but it’s creepy. Once I let him go he is a little calmer and more receptive, but after dinner he refuses to listen. He doesn’t hurt anyone just does his own thing and refuses to be in the same room as us.

When Hunter gets home she talks about work and why she couldn’t get home earlier. I tell her that’s fine. I don’t know what to do, but he said he doesn’t want me to come over to watch him tomorrow and doesn’t want to come over to my place for vacation. She seems exhausted with all of this. I tell her I don’t know what to do. She will need to talk to him. After tucking in daughter I walk down stairs and wall out while saying good night. I don’t look her in the eyes, but say it with my back turned. I hear a little of the sing-song on her goodnight back to me. Not the full sirens call from our history, but I notice the different tone. She is obviously aware of me trying to keep it neutral and unaffected and instead of being adversarial she is warming to me. As I promised Ben yesterday – I would not be caught by it and would not go in for anything physical. Promise kept!

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