Spending the day at Grado watching my son has been a bit of an emotional roller coaster. Everywhere I turn are old memories. The champagne glasses from our wedding on the shelf – just no pictures. I go through the photo albums she made and only the trips are there. None of the first years or wedding. Just the kids and our major trips. Actually just three of the major trips. Maui (wedding), Kauai, Oahu are missing. None of the Grand Canyon or the coastal trips. Just London, Paris (popped the question), Australia, and Italy (mom & sis sans me). I wonder why these and not others. Australia was after the wedding and the affair. Obviously Paris has special meaning, but the wedding pictures are packed away but the Maui photo album is still there empty. I guess she is going there for her 40th and wants to keep the album cover.
Not sure why Hunter is playing nice today but I am trying to do the same. Son lost one of his bottom teeth while I was watching him so I sent her a text and picture. A couple of texts back and forth and I start missing things.
Not real things. The fantasies of what I would have liked our life to have been. I wasn’t very giving with PDA and she had checked out a couple of years ago. As per his routine son starts his movie mid-day and can only watch it by himself. So I go upstairs to our old bedroom and start watching Perks of Being a Wallflower. One of the few of my movies that hasn’t been packed up as I think she would like to keep it.
That’s when I start remembering why we are here. It all literally started with this movie. I was miserable last year. I’m sure we both were. I had bought the DVD and it brought back a lot of memories of who I was a long time ago. The music was my high school music. Rocky Horror was always a strange way to spend an evening and I wanted to go check out the live show again that they hold in Encinitas and she didn’t want to go. A midnight showing is a couple of hours past her bed time.
I couldn’t get the story out of my head. I got the audio book and listened to it on the way to work last year. It stirred up something in me. I think it helped me realize that I was miserable and had been in a trance for years. Just work and the riggers or raising a couple of little ones waiting for the misery of my wife to turn around. Waiting for something that would never come.
I didn’t like myself much for a long time. Borderlines have a way of making everything your fault. Hunter always found a way to get me to invest in the relationship while she never really did. It was love. It wasn’t love. It really didn’t matter. For her keeping me taking care of her was more important than to think about taking care of me. And now she seems to doing some of the same things to my son. Eventually my daughter will subjected to this fantasy / devaluation cycle. She will end up fucked up too.
In the end, I finally realized that I was worth more than I was getting. So I guess it’s true – you choose partners based on what you are looking for. You accept the love you think you deserve. To me it doesn’t matter why she hangs up which paintings or which photos albums she keeps or puts into storage. What matters is what I am willing to accept for myself – and her lack of love isn’t for me.