7/1/14 – Decision Point

I lost it in the car today. I feel bad for yelling at son so loudly. I know it’s got to be scary for him.

He’s hurt three kids in two days, and having to stand there and listen to this woman go on and on about how mean and hurtful my son is and how he doesn’t play nice on the monkey bars this afternoon set me off. That and the fact he won’t apologize, he won’t get in the car, he scratches up the tint job and tries to break the rear air vent once he’s in, and then runs away when we get home. I finally CPI once I get him in the apartment because he won’t stop trying to hit me and run away. Once he is down on the ground he releases whatever part of him was in control of him, his anger and violence.

All he talks about is wanting to be with Hunter and willing to hurt anyone to get there. Yesterday he told me that if staying with Hunter meant never seeing me again he would be okay with it. I try not to take it’s personally. I know he just wants some control to be with his mom at his house.

I call Hunter once he is in the apartment and let her know she needs to come over after her hair appointment and figure this out. I can’t keep trying to triage the world as he fights to go home. I understand it’s unfair to her, but it’s unfair to me and my daughter who don’t get to enjoy the regular world, and unfair to my son who needs a bit of reassurance right now. She is only interested in her work and her fantasies. Yet I’m the one with a two inch bump on my shin from running into a child’s balance bean trying to help Daughter.

She goes on and on about how she doesn’t know what else to do. How she doesn’t call me when he has a bad day. I ask if he is hurting others because he wants to be with me. Silence.

All I’m asking is she take some time until he is calmer and more comfortable with overnights. She starts going on about having a job and can’t just take time to watch the kids whenever she’s needed. Yeah because I don’t have a job.

All I’m asking is she be there for him to sleep in his room for a while. She goes on about waiting until after all of the counselor visits. I ask why wait to weeks? She goes on about how she doesn’t call me and how unfair it is. About how can I accuse her of telling my son that I’m trying to take him away and getting throw in jail while also telling them to spend more time with me. How’s it’s inconsistent. I tell her it’s two sides of the same coin and unless she is willing to take some time to get him comfortable with things he’s never going to get better. Then she goes on about if I don’t want a relationship who him just let her know and she won’t worry about this anymore.

I hear all her BPD fears coming out and see what is going to eventually happen. She has an all or nothing decision coming up. Keep him 100% and forego the “fantasy” life of friends and boyfriends and parties but have some one to be with all the time or dump them on me and try and make a go of the fantasy. Sad part is we both know there is no way she will make the fantasy come true in the real world. If it has never happened by the time you are 40 it never will.

All I want is out to Orange County. Hell I will take them both and work part time and make it happen. Anything to be in control and no longer beholden to Hunter. She is a selfish self-centered bitch!

Sunday was a disaster for Hunter trying to get him into the car to come over. Son told me she tugged and hurt him really bad getting into the car. No bruises, so I am guessing just a typical Hunter Indian Burn.

Yesterday son threw a 45 minute fit at the zoo over lunch. He wanted his “kids meal” at a restaurant that didn’t serve it and was unwilling to walk to the place we normally go to. The line was shorter over here. One of the zoo employees eventually started to monitor the situation until I got him to chase us to the restaurant.

Earlier at the koala exhibit he steps on two different kids hands on the koala climbing sculpture. I thought he might have broken a finger on the little girl she cried so loud and for so long. Thankfully the grandma was not used to it so she was pleasant and kind to him and I.

Yesterday afternoon he refuses to leave the apartment. Instead he holes up in his room and colors and cuts out almost 50 pencil-eraser sized cheeseburgers for his Cloudy With The Chance of Meatballs mural. It’s tough when my three year old daughter is begging to go do something and we can’t leave the house because he refuses to go because he doesn’t want to be on this vacation.

After fighting over dinner not being exactly what he wants although it’s what he asked for I have to CPI him to get him calm. I hate constantly having to restrain him, but it’s hard to watch him constantly hitting me and my daughter. The rest of the evening goes easy.

The kids sleep in until 8:15 this morning. Almost 12 hours for the two of them and we take an easy morning to Cottonwood Park then Chuck E Cheese. The one rule for my son is not jungle gym. I can’t get in there and he becomes an overstimulated monster when he goes up there. Every time he goes in there a kid comes out crying. After lunch he climbs in and daughter follows. There are no other kids in there so I allow him as long as he promises to take care of his sister. Within minutes he is over stimulated and daughter is crying. Time to count tickets and go.

After his movie and daughters insistence on not napping we go to my office down here to print our Sea World tickets. He won’t go because he only wants to go for an hour or two. I want daughter to have a normal day experience without fights or tirades over lunch or lemonade or how stupid animals are. I arrange for my parents to watch him for the day while daughter and I enjoy the day.

The kids start fighting in my office and I tell them we need to go to a park to get the energy out. He doesn’t want to go, and now both my daughter and son are on “moms team.” I tell them God doesn’t want them to be mean so no dad’s team or moms team – just Gods team.

When we get to the park he says he won’t get out. I tell him then we will leave then he wants out. I make him promise not to hurt anyone and he does. We get out and twenty minutes later I’m yelling at him to get in the car in front of everyone with the mom giving me dirty looks, my daughter crying, and a bump on my leg growing by the minute.

I just hope that my leg isn’t too damaged for tomorrow…

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