7/2/14 – If You’re Too Careful, Your Whole Life Can Become A Fucking Grind

Another trying day. Everyday is a grind to not lose it. Everyday is a series of fights with my son as he try’s to get back to his moms house and she refuses to help in any meaningful way.

Picked up son at Hunters house this morning. She gets him out the door before I’m out of the car. Obviously she is doing something to the house she doesn’t think I will like. Her FaceTime calls have been in her bedroom and when traveling down the hallways she leaves it in the room instead of walking it around as usual.

Not sure where her head is at. I let her know that son lost it again trapping daughter in my parents pantry and hitting and scratching her in the face. I tell him he is not to play in there and he starts hitting me. I try and talk with him but he refuses to de escalate. I try and get him to focus on breathing and other things, but he refuses to look at me so I can’t subliminally bring him down like my daughter or other kids. I finally have to refrain him. After 20 minutes he promises to behave the rest of the time. I text her the story and let her know that it’s more than just him or a him and I problem. Again she defers to the doctors. Nothing is her problem.

On the way home son is kicking the car again to get to go to moms house. I tell him we will call but no way is he going over. I know Hunter won’t go for it and it’s not good to give in. We call and she tells him the same thing. He’s still causing chaos but there is nothing he can do until tomorrow.

I had texted Hunter earlier about doing a joint thing the night of the 4th to help my son. I text a dinner/picnic and fireworks. She emails me what my plan is for the pool, BBQ and fireworks. Suddenly my two hour visit is a half-day affair, and I overhead her tell my son tonight that he is spending the night over there tomorrow too. If the fireworks are at 8:30 then both kids are sleeping over there.

I get it. He’s impossible right now and if he had a normal mom then things would be different. I keep thinking back to the pretty mom who sat by my daughter and I yesterday at Sea World during the dolphin show. Her son had made a couple of outbursts and I would put money that he was on the Spectrum. Her mom gently asked him to be quiet and not make those noises. No anger. No yelling. No ripping him out of the chairs by the arm. No husband in tow to help out and yell at. That kid has a better chance than my son or daughter. A better chance than me as I see the financial revenge coming into her viewpoint once I move and she can’t get her fantasy “life.”

I fantasize about waking her up and convincing her that the only way she will forgive yourself is by sacrificing for others. By making it up to those you can. It doesn’t come by ignoring the sin and hoping no one will find out. In the end everything always comes out because in the end it’s only about you and God.

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