7/5/14 – 48 minutes

Didn’t sleep much. I guess I should expect that – too much time with Hunter. I also kept stewing about her notes. The whole thing about her lies in her own notes does worry me. I understand that BPD’s can have issues remembering things correctly when under stress. Something about switching between black and white thinking disturbs the input into the short term data banks. This happens with everyone, but there is a lot of data that BPD’s have bigger issues. I also suspect with Hunter part of it is her constant lies. If you always lie after a while the truth is hard to recognize.

I figure all of the niceties I provide while only confuse her for a while not settle her down. When daughter and I got to swim she looked at me but didn’t say hi. Not sure if it was just her “respecting my wishes” or just I wasn’t looking when she was since we are no longer in sync like partners tend to be. I’m guessing it’s a combination of the two.

Right after she says hi to daughter who doesn’t seem to respond to Hunter much this morning (which seemed odd), she tells me she needs to go back home and get meds for son. I tell her thanks. Now he will be off all day and we have an evening Padre game with my side of the family. I’m sure it is going to be a long game for him.

As I type this my son gets a small scratch on the stairs of the pool and he starts to have a small meltdown. He squeezes the toe so hard that a bit of blood comes out and the meltdown starts getting big. Blood is a huge trigger for him.

I rub his back as the instructor gets band aids and he wants his mom. He starts screaming he doesn’t want me or trust me. Hunters words coming out of my sons mouth. After a few minutes I ask if I can go to the bathroom and he says yes. When I come out he’s having a meltdown by the showers. Daughter is out of the pool and won’t go back. Hunter is standing there giving me the dirtiest look. I start to tell her about his scratch and “b-l-o-o-d” and she gets sympathetic towards son.

Within a minute he is screaming again and I’m helping daughter change. When we are done Hunter and son are outside and he wants to stay with mom today. The two kids argue over grandma & grandpas.

They are coming over to watch daughter as we meet with another psychologist. We won’t use this one, but Hunter wants to hear what she has to say. I’m sure it’s all about the court. I just want this divorce to be over and move on, but she constantly needs me to take care of the family.

As the kids argue I try and pacify son by telling him he’ll see them tonight at the Padres Game. He asks if we are watching it on tv. I say no we are going to the game. He doesn’t want to go. He wants to stay with mom. I tell him we can make the decision this afternoon.

Hunter tells me she has an appointment for a facial. It interferes with the game time. She gives me a dirty look, and I tell her all I want is for him to go with me but he needs to feel safe and comfortable when we go. She makes a snide remark about not knowing that he would have an issue today. I let it ride. I’m the one loosing out on time and the price of all these tickets and she is complaining about her facial. Her busy week at work and she has had a hair appointment, eyebrow appointment, facial, as well as seeing the kids all yesterday because she can’t stand the silence. All that and she still found time to make potato salad and bake a couple dozen cookies and still has all day tomorrow to herself.

The meeting didn’t go as planned. After a lot of discussion with the Doc she finally recommended stronger meds (Abilify), extra help (I suggested a couple of extra hours with Debbie a couple of nights a week so she could cook dinner, clean, pick up daughter and I volunteered to pay while Hunter relaxes on the way home), that things will get better in a year and then really bad when he turns 12, Hunter needs to be a big part of the solution because son has the connection with her, daughter needs some time away from son each week, and daughter is going to need therapy when she gets older.

She broke down and started crying. I texted her later to see if she was ok, but she has ignored the text. I’m sure it was everything she didn’t want to hear, but she can’t reach out to me because of her Splitting, and I’m sure she feels I would use it against her (which I wouldn’t).

I would love to figure a way out, but since Hunter isn’t sacrificing anything I can’t sacrifice anything anymore or I will be broke and 50. I wish she would get into therapy and get her shit together so we could help the kids but that will never happen. I still need to find a way off the freeway commute and support my practice before there is nothing left.

Forty-eight minutes. 48 minutes of my son hitting, kicking, and scratching my car because he didn’t want to go to the Padres game and wanted home. My center console is slightly damaged, and there are scratches all over the door, the leather, and a couple of spots on the tint. I send Hunter a one minutes clip and tell her it’s not me and after a couple of hours she tells me not to try and give her a guilt trip because she took a couple of hours to herself.

That just pisses me off. She gets multiple nights and half a weekend off every week. My parents, Debbie and I take care of son when there are issues. She doesn’t leave work for it. She only leaves work for herself or doctors appointments.

After the sixth inning my son is ready to go but my daughter wants to sing Take Me Out To The Ballgame. I let him know it will be about 20 minutes until the 7th inning stretch and we will leave after that. That’s no good enough for him. He starts throwing a fit and I take him out to the concessions area to walk around. That’s when he takes off.

Twenty minutes of fighting with him and I finally get him back when he heard the song. He jets. Another fifteen to get him back again and then pack up and leave.

Both my parents have that look of sad disappointment and heartache over my situation when I leave. I’m used to the pity look from my mom, but to see it on my dad hurts. No one wants to disappoint their dad even if he wasn’t always the most involved one. It’s not that I’m actually disappointing him. It just feels that way.

Too many years of working long hours, multiple Masters degrees from USC, overcoming SEC investigations and firm turmoils to finally overcome everything and I married the wrong person, for the wrong reasons and stayed with her for too long and now my parents feel they are to blame for raising me poorly and showing me a poor model for family. I told them Thursday it’s not their fault, but that doesn’t alleviate their guilt. Nothing will and that’s my guilty burden to bear. That’s how I disappointed my parents and there is nothing I can do about that.

On the way home I get tired of all this shit. Hunter spends half of our meeting with Doc turning things around so that it’s about her and getting her a break. The Doc was surprised that Hunter gets half the weekend off from the kids, and I spend the time trying to help her get a break. Now driving home the truth comes to me. It’s not that she needs more of a break. She needs to fucking step up. She needs to she her guilt and embarrassment and selfishness and her greed and need to keep succeeding in business to compensate for the fact she can’t succeed anywhere else in life and step up to the plate and take care of our son. She has no backbone or resolve and she keeps hoping there is someone out there that can fix him so she can have her “fantasy” life without putting in any work in the family. What is she going to do when I move? She can’t handle the kids that much but she refuses to admit it because that would cost her dearly and she won’t give up daughter to alleviate the stress and issues because that would embarrass her. Well I don’t fucking care anymore. She is either going to step up or I am going to call we out and see where the war leads. Fuck it – if no one fights up for my son (even if he doesn’t want me to) no one else will. Time for her to step up or step off. No more checking in or communicating with her. I don’t love that bitch I’m just pissed she has gotten away with damaging so many lives without paying a penalty. Everyone eventually has to come up to the buffet table of their consequences. Time for her to grab a fork!

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