7/6/14 – Still Have Work To Do

Another day another tantrum. Son won’t go to the pool in the morning as discussed. I ask him three times and he just wants to play in the house. He’s busy drawing and playing Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs. He promises that if we stay in the apartment in the morning that we can go to the park instead as that is what sister wants to do.

I think things go well all morning. Then after movie time he wants to go to the pool instead of the park. Daughter was promised park and I’m getting tired of her not getting to have a life because he needs his control. Now he throws a monster fit and locks himself in the room.

Hunter texted me earlier and asked when to pick up the son only. The family calendar and our agreement states she picks them both up at 5pm, but I figure that she wants them later. I tell her son wants to eat dinner with her and confirm that daughter will be with me a couple more days (9 days total of the 10 Hunter wanted but 2 more than our agreement). Not that I mind spending time with my daughter it just drives me nuts how Hunter is always talking about how she wants the kids on the calendar but not in reality. In truth she can’t handle them, and she doesn’t want to give up the money or be embarrassed by having to tell anyone that she can handle it. Just another failure if she is a bad mother.

From my perspective she has brain washed him away from me and there is nothing I can do. He needs her more than me and I get it. I’ve talked to him several times this week about why her and if she yells and uses her body when she is angry more than me why? No answer other then that is what he wants. That’s life. I tell him I’m not asking to take her away from him, but I need to protect him and daughter if they are being her. He always tells me that I don’t use my body against sister but Hunter does. I tell him that not right. He goes on about how it’s his responsibility to help mom keep calm and it’s his fault when she’s angry. I tell him it’s our job to handle our emotions and help him handle his. He thinks it’s his job to help her. God help him when he gets older.

I know she is getting more resentful of things. She try’s to be accommodating, but she was pretty angry with son when she came over and wouldn’t come out of his room. She popped into yelling ASAP and then caught herself and calmed down.

She was wearing a lower cut blouse and had done her hair. I’m assuming for her single mothers meeting. I’m sure she is talking trash about me. When she was talking with daughter she kept looking at me trying to engage me. I made a couple of comments and then walked to the couch. All I can think of is we are all in this hell because she won’t get her shit together.

If she stopped lying that would be a start. If she wasn’t so fucking cheap that would help too. If she could be honest about what she wants (be the Disneyland Mom) or maybe if she wasn’t dating that would help or at least hadn’t been dating while we were married that would have been optimal. But she doesn’t want to give up the money or be publicly embarrassed with her family. I know her parents and brother would hate her if she didn’t keep the kids.

Once daughter and I are at the park I text her a photo of the rocking seahorse that daughter said was there that Hunter said wasn’t. No reply. I’m sure she is pissed about everything. I’m not sure why I keep punishing her with no conversation and then texting her to keep contact friendly. I’m guessing the same reason she did it for so long – you don’t want to let go. Must be fear of money and security and for me having to start dating again. I think it must be easier for women. All you have to do is look pretty and say yes. Hunter’s specialty.

Not that going to Orange County would help that at all. By now everyone I was friends with is detached from me. At least I wouldn’t have to be around her all the time. That’s the hard part. It’s hard to move on when you have to have conversations (text – email – FaceTime) everyday. Funny – I wonder if she wants to do a call tonight…

I text Hunter and let her know daughter is tired. She was crying and giggling and screaming and completely unfocused. Poor little girl must have been so overwhelmed with everything that she conked out by 7:10.

Hunter calls a half-hour later. I call back and speak briefly with son. It’s awesome day with mom. Pool, pizza, ice cream. It amazes me that Hunter gave him exactly what he wanted, and thereby reinforcing his behavior. Exactly what she accuses me of when I call her. However, this time she made the offer so it’s ok to spoil him.

During dinner with daughter I started breaking down. I know I’ve lost my son. I am starting to come to terms with it. Actually I haven’t started. I keep dreaming of someway out of this mess. Some messianic miracle to change the world so it revolves around my desires, but I know one is not coming. I am sure once I move to Orange County it will be over for him and then daughter will follow her brother and mom. It hurts to know what suffering I will go through. Part of me just assumes the rest of my life isn’t what I wanted so why bother. I think that part of me that wants a complete redo keeps telling me that so that I can try a new life, but it’s hard to do that without the proper income. Maybe it’s time to just throw it to the wind and find out where it goes.

I text Hunter to see how she’s doing. I don’t know why. I know she will only tell me she’s fine or ok. I still crave someone to depend on me. I still miss a connection. I still have work to do.

At least it’s quiet enough to start season 4 of The Walking Dead. I should finish it up before 5 shows up.

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