7/7/14 – We All Want To Be Loved

Got the buttons on my Invisalign off this morning. Interesting to look at my teeth and see normal looking teeth. No more strange fangs hitting the sides of my mouth.

When the girl was taking the lower impression for the permanent retainers she pressed right up against me. So tight against my side I could feel her body heat. When she did the upper she held in from behind and I could feel hers arms around me on both sides. Like a big bear hug. It’s strange to feel since I have never had that with other impressions. Usually they stick it in your mouth, and then walk away.

It dawned on me how much I miss this. Human contact. I get plenty from my kids – daughter is a snuggle junky – but it’s not the same. Now that I don’t have the regular contact I miss it. I have a hard time believing I ever lived without it so many years ago before Hunter.

Maybe it was just my compromised emotional state. With all the drama with son the last eight days and the shrinks and Hunters emotional responses I was probably a little more susceptible to sensing the need for connection.

I had texted Hunter last night to see how things went with son and how she was doing. She responded to the last one this morning saying she was good. I know it’s a lie so I call her and she answers irritated. I ask her if my call is upsetting her.

– No. I just have back-to-back meetings most of today that start in five minutes.

– Would you prefer I not reach out to see if you are okay?

– No, it’s fine that you do.

– Okay, you always tell me your ok or good and I know that isn’t always true. If me reaching out is unwanted let me know and I will stop.

– No. Last night I didn’t want to think about it. I just wanted to go to sleep. I didn’t want you to think I was ignoring your text so I responded this morning. I just don’t want to have to constantly think about it.

– Ok. I’ll let you go.

– I’ll talk to you later. Bye

That’s the biggest problem with Hunter. When life isn’t perfect or easy she jumps into her fantasy world or work. I just wish I could shake her and tell her there is no amount of money that can bring peace of mind. What she doesn’t understand is the divorce isn’t going to allow her to forgive herself. It’s only going to trap her into new regrets. Lessons she can only learn through living life.

I spend the afternoon napping. The depression setting in again. Typical of spending time talking with Hunter. Thankfully I pick my daughter up today. It’s always fun to talk to the other kids in her class and how daughter relates to them. The silent twins won’t leave me alone but they don’t talk to adults. They like the up high- on the side- way down low – your too slow game. Then knuckles. Blow it up. Then I’ve got seven little ones wanting attention and then daughter wants the attention so it’s time to go. She always takes me out of my blues.

I also spend a lot of time trying to budget a plan to change careers. A couple of years ago I was going to go back and get my MFT then Hunter stopped it since she needed me to take care of sons issues and give her a break. I have a ten year plan. That should get me to a place where I have an established practice to rely on. Maybe $60k a year. That should be enough net after taxes assuming I can get all my debt and the house paid off. Right now I’m $150k short. Hitting Hunter for child support would help a lot. I think that might fill the gap. Sometime this week I will need to apply again. If I do it I will need to buy a smaller condo around her instead of a small SFR.

If this is borrowed time now that the life I wanted is gone, why shouldn’t I use it to do what I always wanted to do despite the financial issues. Better to fail at what you love then succeed at something you hate. I’m not sure if it’s the depression or dissolution, but I hate my job right now. Always have hated the marketing side of it, but hate the individual side of it too. Have for years, but it paid really well and gave me the flexibility to take care of the family while she worked. Now that I can’t find a secure job down here that doesn’t require a million of sales I figure I might as well throw caution to the wind and see where the wind blows. Hopefully I can at least help people before I go.

The kids FaceTime tonight. Neither really wants to and I can see Hunter trying to illicit more conversation from Daughter. I’ve stopped trying to push with son. It’s just not in him right now, plus tonight Hunter is giving him another show tonight so he wants to get to it. I’m sure she doesn’t do it on purpose. Just one of her coping mechanisms, but it makes a relationship with him harder.

It’s funny to see her face on the screen. Obviously she had some work done with the facial. The skin is smoother than normal and the wrinkles are much less pronounced – especially the forehead. Sad to see her resorting to these things. She is naturally pretty, but the longer she goes without a boyfriend the worse she will get. Her appearance is her magnet and her sex is her control. Heaven help these kids in a few months. Then again I shouldn’t judge. I’m trying to lose weight for the same reasons. We all want to feel loved whether we are BPD or not.

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