7/8/14 – It Looks Like Abilify

So today we were able to meet with the Psychiatrist. Looks like we are putting our son on Abilify. Hunter seemed stocked to get it started. I’m still leery, but since he dented the wall at Hunters house today I don’t see much of a choice. If it gets any worse he will seriously harm himself or others.

I know Hunter is hoping to get him calm to travel with him and make it safe for daughter. If it’s better for daughter then there is no threat that I would take her away and she can push me away without worry. She can even push me away and make me pay supports. My worse case scenario – no kids and a $3k monthly payment. Fuck me. I wish I could find a good paying job down here, but San Diego’s job market sucks ass!

After the meeting we walk out together. I tell her I’m going to use the bathroom. When I come out she’s still there. Damn – I was hoping not to have to spend time in her presence. It hurts. I just want to grab her and kiss her. She wants to talk about his blood work for the new med. I discuss a little and when we get to the parking lot I open my trunk and try to give her some empty boxes for packing. She seems pissed.

She won’t take them so I walk them to her car. We finalize a quick plan and I walk away. She starts crying. I’m not sure why. I can only guess she wants me to take the lead or acknowledge and talk to her as friends. I’m just not there.

On the drive home I text her my availability to help with the blood draw for my son. She calls me and I send it vmail. She wants me to call and make an appointment at the labs. I call and text her the details. She calls and I send it to vmail. She wants to talk tonight on FaceTime after the kids. I text her my thought on a plan. I can’t do FaceTime with her. It’s killing me right now.

She texts me a picture of the dented wall and what time she will meet me at the labs. Funny, her vmail message started with “hey there.” We must be back to friendly and not enemies otherwise it would be “Hello John this is Hunter.”

I get junk food on the way home and continue watching The Walking Dead. This season is not disappointing! But it doesn’t take my mind off of things. I don’t think I will get over her.

The last few nights I’ve woken up with dreams of her and I discussing her current dating or past infidelity. Not that either of the dreams are accurate, but it erodes my peace of mind. It’s inside my psyche and I can’t shake it too long. The more time I spend with her the harder it is. I don’t want to silent treatment her. Legally in this messed up state it can be considered spousal abuse. Cheating on your spouse is ok, but not talking to them is not. California is fucked up somedays.

I feel like I’m never going to get over what happened. The harder she wants to be friends and have me lead the family the more pain I experience. I can’t make a living and have 25,000 commute miles while making every meeting in del mar and working 500 hours of overtime. I’m starting to lose it. All I want is my settlement check and a free pass up to Orange County to start over. Get some distance and give my heart and mind some rest. Checked my BP and it was 116/75 with 85 bpm. Must be too much caffeine, but at least the pressure is on target.

With her splitting it’s easy for her. She can compartmentalize her emotions. I don’t have that luxury. There is some value to BPD. As with all things, the condition was meant to help protect the psyche somehow and overwhelming emotions can be mitigated that way. I wish I had that talent. All I know is the emotional pain is overwhelming right now. Maybe I need some Prozac or Zoloft. Something to take the edge off before I lose everything. Then again – you have to lose everything before you can become anything. I love Tyler Durden.

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