Yesterday’s meeting with Sons old behavioral team went about the way I expected. As they knew Son and our history via him (Hunter would never admit to them what was going on) it was more about how Hunter and I parent together than on Son. As usual Hunter is going out of her way to blame me and turn the conversation on her needing breaks. I push back. I’m tired of hearing it.
Yes she needs a break, but she won’t take the help offered. She complains about more time with daughter. I state that’s what we are doing this weekend. It goes around and around with my words defending her exaggerations. She is yelling and I’m holding in my anger – just forceful. She always calls me when she needs help and she wants to work but resents when I do it. I remind her we were supposed to have the kids 50/50 but when she saw the numbers she wanted 80/20 to reduce what she would have to pay me. If she can’t handle them as much I can take them more. No response.
I remind her of what she said at our marriage counselor about how she thought the only way to improve her family was a new husband and a new son. She denies it but as soon as I push back she shuts down briefly. She knows she said it and I’m sure it’s in Kathy’s notes. We leave with homework to get more resources. I’ve tried this before but she won’t do it. It’s her self created guilt of being a failure if she can’t do it herself. We are also to develop a split of the kids for mostly 1:1 time until son gets more comfortable with things.
Afterwards I use the restroom and come back and tell the Dr about Hunters BPD. She asks me how I came up with the diagnosis and I talk about Ben, my counseling, and what’s transpired this last eight months. She buys it. I’m guessing she recalls in our meeting she mentioned that the decision to end the marriage was final and she got no response and then asked if it was final and Hunter didn’t say anything again came to her mind and realized I may not be crazy. Then she tells me she will look into things and see how that might affect son.
I talk with Ben afterwards, and he still thinks daughter will end up with me. I don’t think so if the Abilify works. If it doesn’t I’ll probably get both. If Hunter can’t handle them now 5 days a week, she won’t be able to do it 11 days in a row.
That night I spend it at Grado with the kids. I didn’t even recognize Son. He was so well behaved. It was an amazingly good time with both of them. He was patient and listening and helpful. It was a good day!
On the way home I have to add air in my tire. This morning it’s empty – completely flat. I call Hunter and let her know that if she wants me to help with sons blood draw she needs to come pick me up. On the way there she stops at Starbucks and buys me a coffee which was nice.
Unfortunately, as we get on the freeway which is stop and go she starts bitching about being late and rescheduling things because of me and my tire issues. I tell her it’s not my fault. She keeps it up and I let it go. I tell her it’s not my fault we are all in hell. I didn’t do this – she did. I tell her she is never going to forgive herself until she makes it up to me so figure it out and stop yelling at me.
She threatens to drop me off on the side of the road and I can walk or get a cab home. I tell her that would be great evidence in court. Son starts yelling at us to stop so we do. A lot of silence for a while.
I try and make a few jokes to lighten the mood and she smiles then stops, smiles then stops. I finally ask her why she keeps trying to stop herself from laughing. She says she doesn’t laugh in general and it irritates her. I know it’s because there are very few people that can make her laugh and it hurts to know I was only one of a couple people that can do it without real effort anytime. I know she must miss that now that it’s gone.
When we get to Children’s Hospital things go better than expected. Son sits on Hunters lap and she holds his arm. It’s a sad sight to see. The nurse inputs the needle and son is crying and screaming over the “shot that is taking his blood.” I put a book between his eyes and the arm and gently talk to him while it’s happening. Hunter is squeezing his arm so hard he screams at how that hurts, and Hunter has her eyes shut tight and curling up in the fetal position Son still on her lap. Soon it’s over and we eat at the McDonalds on site. Hunter won’t eat it, but she buys me breakfast which was nice.
I give her a hug about doing a good job with him on the way out. She tolerates it but not too much. She tells me no kiss so I bug her for one. Sometimes it fun to bug her.
On the drive home there is still a lot of traffic and I put my hand on her arm. I see her smile then trying hard to fight the smile. Never know what’s in her head, but I know she needed some reassurance. I know she was physically distancing herself the remainder of the morning with me. Then again she was late to work.
The remainder of the day was spent in depression. Can’t leave the house as no one in North county has my tire so the dealership is getting one in tomorrow. Making me really rethink the car. I love it but it’s not financially smart anymore. Maybe it’s time to drop down to a TDI and trade in the 335i M Sport.
I text Hunter the Psychiatrist got the blood draw results (5 hour turn around Rays Children’s Hospital is amazing) and has she scheduled sons meetings with Julia? Hunter texts me back no we need to discuss. I text her that I haven’t changed my mind about Julia. No response. Typical. When someone disagrees with her she doesn’t respond.
Makes me really want to move to Orange County as fast as possible to get away from her. Spending time with her almost every day for a week and my depression is getting worse.
It didn’t help that my daughter was crying to go with me last night when I left. It was so bad Hunter had to hold her and she made a comment about how that made her feel loved. This morning on the way to drop her off at school daughter is crying to have me pick her up and Hunter makes another comment. I take daughter up to school and makes me go down the ramp so she can watch me the entire time. Daughter is starting to figure things out. She said she didn’t want to stay at moms Sunday or Monday because it was calm at my house. Hunter doesn’t get it. She never will.
I get a call from the MAC program. I want to do it, but it’s scary to leave a well paying business and start over with a known outcome of poor financial results especially since I think I can be good at it. Especially with kids.
I think Hunter would spend a lot of money to fight supports if I did it unless I helped out more with the kids. Wouldn’t be a bad trade off, but I would not get to travel or do much. Choices for a time when I have a vehicle that works. I’m sure when I get to the dealership it’s going to be $3k for the tire and undercarriage replacement. Not an expense I had planned on right now…at least I feel stable and strong emotionally even though I have no idea how life will unfold.
Funny to remember Ben say the same thing yesterday – you tell a very chaotic story but there is no desperation or unease in the way you say it. That’s a good sign that you are getting through it. I know he means it since we start talking about my children and how he thinks I will end up with daughter. I don’t believe it, but I don’t know what the world holds for me in the future right now. Only God knows and one day he will let me in on the secret.