7/18/14 – I Fucked Up Yesterday

I told Hunter I missed her yesterday.  That was the wrong thing to do.  It was against my rules.  It lacked discipline, and got me off my emotional balance.  I know I have been wanting to do it for a while. I was proud of myself for not doing it for so long. But being over there with her before she left for her church event and the kids were out of sight I couldn’t stop myself.  I grabbed her from behind and hugged her in the corner. I turned around so she didn’t feel trapped.  As I let her go she took a step back and I asked for a hug.  Her typical response, Why?  Me – Because I miss you. So she hugs me.  I give a good squeeze for a couple of moments then let go.  I don’t want her to feel that I am smothering her. She doesn’t let go.  She is holding me so I put my arms back around her and hug for a little while longer.  I let her grow a few moments later and she lets go too.

She stops as I have my hands on her shoulders and she won’t make eye contact.  I don’t know what the expression is, but it is some type of remorse.  Not sure if it’s she fucked up by hugging me, or she misses me also and can’t go back, or some other thing I can not possibly imagine.  I’m guessing the last.  I try and put my forehead on hers like I used to, but no go.  I’m sure that this is something that others do as well, but it has always been part of my DNA.  It really came out with the kids – especially my son when he was young.  It’s part of connecting on a visceral level.  Not intellectual.  Not emotional.  Not spiritual.  Something just a little more physical than the spirit, a little more earthly but just as intense.

At least afterwards I left her alone and gave her the 10 foot space rule that we seem to have implemented together without saying anything.  We always seem to put a table in between us.  I’m guessing she originally did it to keep me away. I know I did it for the same reason.  Either way we seem to have a strange dance around the furniture in her house.  Even after she got back from her event I walked about the back of the kitchen while she walked around the front and when we got to the dining room the table is in between us.  She says good night and walks up the stairs and I wave and walk out the front door.

When she is at my place she stands in the doorway.  If she comes in and closes the door I usually sit on the small couch furthest from the door.  I am sure from an outsiders perspective it’s a bit of funny dance to watch.

I get why I hugged her. I’m lonely and miss being able to talk to someone – emotionally connect with someone – everyday.  To have that “how was your day?” person.  Even though the last couple of years together sucked at least there was someone to hang out with.  To talk to.  To connect to even if it was only briefly. Someone to not be alone.  Ben told me that I needed to be comfortable with me before I dated.  He suspects (and rightly) that I will think I am in love with anyone I go out with.  However, I need some connection.  My sister is busy with her own life, and my parents aren’t really what I call drinking buddies.  I think I will take my moms advice and create a profile for one of the dating sites talking about just wanting to meet people – no sex, no romance – just friends.

The hardest part this morning is not calling Hunter to hang out tonight.  I am sure if I asked to come over and watch the movie with the kids tonight she would OK the deal, but I am sure I would interpret the hug yesterday as something more than it was (a fleeting moment of weakness of both our parts due to loneliness) and push boundaries and make things worse.

Still not sure where the attorneys are with the MSA.  I would have thought the next draft would have been completed by now.  I am not sure why I am in a hurry.  I can buy a place wherever I want – at the least the size I want.  I’m sure not going to do it in the summer with everyone going after the deals.  Besides if I stay in North County the prices are dropping so that’s in my favor and the small places in Orange County are not moving that fast.  I should have some flexibility after summer since I will be a higher cash / earner buyer.

The hardest part of everything is the good and bad with my sons Abilify.  The good news is it seems to be working.  Based on last night it seems to be working really well even at half of the starter / buildup dose.  One mg a day and he seems to be improving.  Last night, we played Wii with his sister for a little bit.  Normally just the thought of adding her to the mix would set him off, much less the constant fighting with her over how to bowl since she is only three.  Still no physical altercations and he was able to calm himself down each time.  He didn’t eat much for dinner, but seemed calm, easy going, and easily directed in the face of an overly anxious sister screaming for attention.

The bad news is if this works long term then there is no chance I will get my children or daughter.  That ship will sail if Hunter is able to take them to Seattle and back without issues.  Once she knows she has her travel partners and money there is no reason for a boyfriend or me.  It’s over and off to Orange County I will be.  We will see in a month.  If the Abilify keeps working without any side effects at least that will be one prayer answered and I guess I can be grateful for that.  Especially if it allows him to make friends and get into the general population at school.  That would be a much welcomed miracle.

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