7/19/14 – What A Fucking Nightmare

So yesterday was a complete nightmare. She was setting up the calendar for next year and took all the holidays and made assumptions on the weeks we would take over Christmas. As usual, she made sure that the week I had didn’t include the holidays I had and the week she took didn’t include the holidays she took. Typical passive aggressive treatment. It’s knowingly and purposefully making sure that I could not do anything during that time and her week was when her work was closed so she didn’t have to miss work.

I call her up and ask if she really wants to do this. She says yes. I say I know you miss me. She hesitates for some time and says not to be mean but no. Whenever she takes that long to answer she doesn’t want to tell the truth. So that starts with everything from the past. She talks about how she hasn’t loved me and maybe never did. I go on about how there are things I want to do that we talked about prior to everything and I need her money to do so. That discussion goes no where and she says she has to go because of work but she will call me when she is done. Another wasted 45 minutes of my life.

She doesn’t call after work so I text her and she goes on about work.

She FaceTimes for the kids. Right afterward she calls me back and is pissed off about it. I tell her you called me. She tells me she didn’t. I hangup and send her the photo showing my call log with her calls being inbound.

Around 9:30 she texts and will call but we need to agree to disagree. That leads into a 2:30 hour fight over her using me for 12 years and now that she has the kids to not be lonely and a high paying job she doesn’t need my money. How can a human being do that to another person? Don’t I deserve to use her for the next twelve years to make up for it. She wants a number. I say no you took my life and now I should get half of your earnings. She thinks it’s unfair. Of course it’s unfair to her, but you didn’t think it was unfair to me the last twelve years. Besides these were your ideas. She goes on about how things have changed and I didn’t want them then. Back then I thought we could save the marriage, but you don’t want to do that now that you had to admit to the infidelity.

That goes into why she emailed Holli but not me. She doesn’t know. I tell her it’s because you didn’t want to be alone and poor. Now it’s time to repay me the same way except I won’t make her have kids or have sex with me.

Doesn’t she want me to be with the kids. They won’t be after a couple of years when I’m in Orange County. How great is your life without a relationship with your father? No friends, cheated on every guy you were ever in a committed relationship with. No hobbies. Always depressed and sleeping. Keeping the loneliness away by reading tons and doing stuff around the house but that will eventually fade when there isn’t anything left to do. And then the men will start rolling in.

She keeps going on about the money. She says she will pay me everything we earned during our relationship. This is minimal to what she going to make at Qualcomm. But she says she will put the excel spreadsheet up at work and make payments until it’s paid off so that I can’t hold it over her head.

I tell her that’s not what I want. And what are you going to do when you make senior director. You won’t have time to take care of the kids. She tells me she will get a nanny. I tell her what a great mom. Now she has made sure that her children won’t be raised by her mom or dad but some stranger just for our money and your fantasy men.

She starts yelling and screaming and telling me fuck you. She starts going on about the bible and God and yada yada yada. She is no longer rational. How she claim to be quoting God when she has never loved a godly life and even now is only going to the church groups to find friends. She doesn’t actually do any of the things the church teaches.

I tell her then why not give me daughter on a schedule for everyone. She goes off about me taking her away and how little time she would get. I tell her I would give her more and better (1:1) time with her than she is giving me going to Orange County. How unfair a better schedule is for you then me?

It’s obvious you don’t want me to have a relationship with her or the kids. She goes on about how she wants me to have a relationship with the kids. I go on about that’s a lie since I was supposed to get 50/50 but she won’t do it because she would owe me money. Now she is afraid to be alone in the house so she is slowing brainwashing them against me. Son has already changed and it’s just a few years before daughter is gone to.

Then she goes on about me taping the call and all other kinds of paranoia. She has obviously lost it. She finally tells me she will pay me every penny and pray on whether to stay married financially until daughter is out of high school as she discussed.

I call her back and say I’m sorry for the heated discussion.

I send her an email saying I’m sorry and I would buy her a coffee at swim with the kids as well as some rules so we don’t do this again. I have to text her to respond. She emails she is sorry to and I can go to swim if I want. Obviously she is writing for the courts.

No mention of anything else.

I text her after swim and ask if she is going to honor the commitment she made last night. She says she doesn’t want to talk about it but will pray about it.

Obviously she has changed her mind as usual. She will only do anything that is what she wants. There isn’t a single thing in her lifer that she will do genuinely for someone else. She will only do nice things for others but only so they don’t think badly of her. Her ego – her reputation which will be zero in a few months. Such a selfish self-centered bitch.

Last night I kept telling her to get into counseling. If you haven’t forgiven yourself in 12 years you won’t after the divorce. You need to get help. She keeps telling me she isn’t crazy like the rest of us. We have that conversation severally times over the 2.5 hour conversation.

I text her after the “I’ll pray on it” text and tell her pray about daughter. If she prays and God answers her she will see what God showed me months ago. No answer.

I am sure I will hear nothing from her. The monster fight was all projection – (blaming me for her infidelity) she’s not broken it’s me – I made her feel small – she felt small before she met me – I made her cheat – that’s never my fault – she prayed to leave me for years – why now after I left and you wouldn’t let me leave the house – I’m trying to get her thrown in jail and separated from the kids – she is the one taking pictures and documenting false allegations.

It’s about distortion campaigns – her telling everyone that I have kept her from having friends while she refused to make any. I was the angry one when she is always yelling. Both of which are also projection. Even my children tell me these things and I know Hunter had made sure they keep it a secret.

I’m seriously thinking about antidepressants until I can get up to Orange County and forget I have a family. Hunter has already turned son and is now working in daughter with our 1:1 times. It will only be a matter of months when time with dad won’t matter.

God give me the strength to forgive her. God give me the strength to let go of my kids. God please heal my heart so I can move on.

This morning after swim I fell on my knees and cried and constantly told myself that there was nothing left in life me. I kept hearing another voice in my head that there was more to come. I just needed to hold on.

I don’t know if I can. I hope I’m not going crazy. I wonder if my depression is gotten so bad that I’m loosing it. I’m sure I may have already lost it. I really just want to walk out of the apartment and not coming back to anything. I’m just too tired to fight anymore. I’m just too tired for anything anymore.

No dreams.

No hope.

No confidence.

No clients.

No responsibility.

No nothing.

I’m not even hungry and I used to be an emotional eater. That can’t be a good sign. I need to get my shit together I have to pick up my son at 5. Maybe a nap will help…

2 thoughts on “7/19/14 – What A Fucking Nightmare

  1. Hello,
    I know this is a REALLY hard time. I’ve been in your shoes, granted, not with children, but the wanting to work things out with the ex, the fighting, and the feeling that all hope is lost. The wanting to run away and never come back and just say “screw it” and disappear. But what I can say, is that it DOES get better. I don’t know if this is helpful, but what worked for me was taking all of that anger and put that focus on exercising and working out. I can’t tell you how many times I put on my sunglasses, laced up my running shoes and just ran! Not knowing how far I would go but allowed my anger to fuel my energy while the endless amount of tears streamed down my face.
    The best thing that ever happened to me was cutting off all contact unless it had to do with the divorce. I stopped sending the “I miss you, I miss us” and the “I miss my best friend” texts and emails. I had to remove myself emotionally. It took me about a year to really be comfortable with the divorce and only within the last 6 months have I been able to move on. It was 10 years of my life, where I put my dreams on hold to support him, physically, financially, emotionally, and it drained me.
    I have always beleived that no matter how bad things get, there’s ALWAYS light at the end of the tunner. I hit rock bottom when I decided to take a drive along PCH and go up a winding road to get home at 80 mph, not carring if I went of a cliff at 3am and that changed my life. It was after that incident I decided I’m not going to let my divorce run my life and ruin it.
    Your children need to be your source of energy. Be healthy and take care of yourself for them. Even if you are not with them very much, when they are, they need to see that you’re taking care of yourself.
    Best of luck to you.

    Like

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