7/22/14 – Where Is My Discipline?

I am killing myself with this shit. I drop off my daughter at school this morning and then drop off her blanket at Hunters house afterwards as usual and she is there. I give her a hug. She hugs me back, but she won’t give me a kiss. “Respect my wishes.” Then why give me a hug. For that matter why multiple ones. She says they are for me, but she is now the one holding on tighter and longer than me.

That shit just kills me. There is nothing inside her that has any emotions anymore but emptiness and anger. She needs me in North County to take care of her and the kids, but she wants to keep all the money and stay friends with me so she has a friend and that just constantly keeps me in a state of turmoil.

I also noticed the other half of her cookies on the counter. I’m not sure if she actually took them to her church group or if that was just an excuse to bake them for me. I think she thinks if she is nice enough she can transition this relationship to what she wants. It just makes it harder for me to stay and I feel so bad for these kids.

There may not be as much fighting in that house anymore with my son on Abilify (which is a good thing – maybe we can try sports again this fall), but there is no joy. No laughter. No parentally engaged fun. At least not between Hunter and my son. The most he gets from her is the occasional Wii and they will draw together. They don’t even practice baseball anymore. That doesn’t sunrise me though. She was always more of a dad living his dreams through his children than a coach or a mom. It made it no fun for him which is why he stopped playing. She takes him to the pool or beach but she just sits and watches. I don’t think he will even understand the difference but my daughter will.

My daughter told me that Hunter wouldn’t paint her toe nails a second since she ruined them the first time. I guess my daughter ruined the paint job when she ran over to her bed before they were dry. That’s it. No second chances. Daughter is three years old with high energy who couldn’t have guessed she would do that.

The one time I painted her finger and toe nails she got some pink on the bath mat. Shit happens. That’s why you have the mineral spirits to take off the old and repaint. I didn’t yell or scream or just take off the remaining polish. I just cleaned, dried, and reapplied. I also made her sit on the toilet and talk to me while they dried. She wasn’t allowed off until they were. I was the one who actually spilled a couple of drops of polish. Need to diminish the excess on the brush before applying…

I’m not the best parent. Right now I’m not the best anything. I’m not the best dad, the best employer, the best at client service, etc. I’m not even the best at being depressed and suicidal. The best I can muster is racing down El Camino Real at 100+ mph. The WRX’s always get toasted. Never enough front end compression. The older BMW’s don’t have it either. MB’s don’t compete. The new IS seems to be a worthy competitor. The Dodge Chargers and Challengers sound great but they need way too much time to get into their power zone and by then I’m a few car lengths in front before they catch up and I’m too old to do 150 mph on city streets with a ton of lights. Besides those cars take way too long to break because of the extra weight and the kids always end pulling the emergency break to lock up the wheels to prevent them from hitting the car in front of them. Way too unsafe at my age.

To make matters worse when I spoke with Hunter yesterday about my thought that she was taping me inside her house she denied it so I asked her to send me an email stating that she isn’t taping me in her house or any of the phone calls for my comfort. No deal. I know the phone calls are not admissible in this state but the taping would be since I have no right to privacy in my own house. Not there there would be much on them, but I am sure me calling her names on the tape would not look good to a judge. Besides we are now three weeks late on the revised MSA. All I want now is to sign whatever it is she wants and leave. She is never going to let me go unless she drugs the kids up enough so both of them are tranquillized and the nanny can raise them while Hunter works. The truth is that has always been her number one priority, and I was so desperate to hang on to the relationship since I had invested so much into it that I was willing to take the abuse. Now that I won’t take the abuse I can’t muster the strength to separate myself from my dream that “if she would just go to counseling and get help things would be perfect.” The problem is she is never going to counseling. She will never tap into a deeper calling or sense of self, and her fears will always control her. She will die extremely rich and miserable with some guy she doesn’t love but won’t leave because he hit the lotto with her. She won’t leave because the kids will be gone and she doesn’t want to be alone and wants someone to travel with. It’s sad I still dream of being that miserable guy. Where the fuck is my discipline?

Right now I really need to focus on healing myself. I’m not sure how rich or poor I will be by the end of my life or how long it will last but I can’t stay in this misery. She won. I lost. Time to move on.

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