7/26/14 – It’s Not About Her, It’s About Me

No coffee or soda today, and downloaded all of my Tony Robbins tapes and started them up again. Went through the first few again. Even listened to one while my son was reenacting his movies for me. He even drew a dozen pages for the movie theater. Before that we played Battleship, but that is as much interactive play as he can handle right now. I would love to see more of it since Hunter doesn’t really play with him at all – just watches.

When I went over to pick him up Hunter kept going on about how much daughter was driving her crazy. I think she was trying to be a little funny, but a little truthful. She can be a handful with the two of the kids together. My problem was constantly hugging her and putting my arm around her. She didn’t seem to have a problem with it. I’m sure she enjoys the attention. No kissing though. Always keeps her head down. I’m sure that is protective boundary. If she breaks it she looses control. I told it was ok to miss me and acknowledge those feelings. When I left I told her to let me know what her and God decide. Either way she has a wonderful second chance and to make use of it for an extraordinary life.

She was nice enough to let the Wii come over for my IPad original. I don’t use the iPad (besides just got the new mini rental display), and she has been fighting me on the Wii so that was positive. Plus she is getting the gift for the bday party I’m taking my daughter to tomorrow. I think she likes the this new custody set-up. She gets a kid everyday, but only one of them half the week so she gets 1:1 with each kid. She is never alone, not overly stressed and still gets some free time during the week and weekend to do personal things. What’s not to like from her perspective? Until she decides to date then the kids will be an interference and out come the baby sitters and her guilt. Then the kids are in trouble.

At least I am keeping my emotions in check. It wasn’t right to do it, but my problem is I run through these scenarios in my head when I am napping before I go over. A form of daydream, since I only get a few hours of real sleep in between waking up in the middle of the night. I need to spend more of that time daydreaming of going over there without attachment or touching. Not wanting or needing affection from her. Daydreaming that I no longer want her and am fully healed. Doing that Psycho-Cybernetics mental modeling will go a long way to healing this heart. So will doing a rotation of the Dickens Pattern.

For all of that touching (including rubbing her belly which she hates but she didn’t even flinch or try and stop me) I am in a relatively healthy mood. I’m guessing having a good afternoon with my son helped as well as taking ownership of my emotional landscape. I keep hearing The Four Rules rolling around in my head. What she did isn’t about me. The opposite is true as well. What I do isn’t about her – it’s about me.

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