7/30/14 – Were Focus Goes Energy Flows

Been a strange few days – or at least more of the same emotionally. Nothing overly high, and the lows don’t stay for long. A steady state of easy melancholy interrupted by activity, distress or sadness. Overall I can’t say that it’s a bad set of emotions. Looking back a couple of nights ago I noticed I don’t really think about Hunter much before I go to bed. Yesterday being an exception.

Should have known reviewing the second draft of the MSA would do that. I know there are a few tweaks, but it’s almost done. Based on attorney time that means end of September to file.

Not sure where she is on the revised custody schedule if I move to Orange County. Haven’t heard anything from her. I know if I push I will hear “I plan on working on it on the plane” when she is taking the kids to see her parents on her vacation next week. She says various reasons for it, but it is because she thought she needed help with them.

I am sure she would, but the Abilify seems to be working pretty well for my son. However, sons focused fear seems to be getting worse. He is afraid his sister will touch his toys (which a three year old girl will do). He is afraid blood will come out of his fingernails. Thank God for Band-Aids. He is afraid I will move to the living room in the middle of the night when he sleeps in my room in front of my bed. Then he sleeps on the smaller couch when I do (thanks dad for allowing me to pass down this tradition to a third generation). At least we are together and that’s important. He even drew a radar scanner that tells him where everyone in the family is and if they get into trouble. A nifty little creation based on the Clone Wars Movie.

Still haven’t heard back on sons counseling with Julia, upping the Abilify dose, or the 8″ X 10″ she owes me for daughters class picture. I’m not sure why she doesn’t want to push more on the counseling other than she sees it as a potential area of controversy for her custody schedule since they are mandatory reporters.

Sunday had a few issues with son in the morning and daughter in the evening. I’m sure my daughters desire to go back to Hunter because Hunter told her she wanted to have her all day like dad and it was unfair I get her all to myself helped set off my anger. Although I was proud of myself handling son in the morning. An hour and 15 minutes of him arguing and slamming doors and I didn’t even raise my voice. Maybe that took all my patience for the day and there was none left for daughter.

I found it amazing that daughter told Hunter on our FaceTime call that I got really mad at her and then looked at me and said “huh winky.” Winky, Grumper (she misheard her moms pet name for me), Tiger, King. Her nicknames for me crack me up.

I had to tell her that if she can’t tell me about when mom yells at you then you can’t tell her about me. That wasn’t fair either. Next time she just needs to be honest with both of us and you shouldn’t be afraid to talk to either of us. Not sure she got it, but it’s all I can do.

Monday was dinner with my mom and daughter. My mom made a bunch of stuff including home made chex mix. I sent it home with daughter, but not even a thanks from Hunter. I’m starting to see how she treats my family and her family. No gratitude for anything. At least both kids have said she doesn’t yell at them much anymore (thanks to the Abilify). Too bad she doesn’t actually play with them – just watch.

Both kids say they she never laughs. Sad life. I know she always talks about how I was one of the few people that made her laugh, and now when I do she smiles then grimaces. When I asked she tells me she doesn’t like to laugh – it disrupts her day. I have to believe she doesn’t like it when I make her laugh. Too many bad memories right now. I hope she laughs at work. If I can’t be the one to make her laugh in the future I hope she finds someone who is nice to our kids too. I’m sure I will be an asshole to him when I meet him, but I hope she finds a way to let go off the past, heal, and find joy. Pretty sure she will just repeat these patterns and stay in a steady state of perpetual fear, but what’s a world without hope?

Yesterday was work and quiet. Today was standard, but son was upset about not getting to go to grandmas. I guess he wrote her a letter, and my mom called and left Son a message saying he could come over. Now I need to coordinate the next four days with Hunter. That means taking about any personal plans she has since originally I was supposed to have the kids all to myself this weekend, but we have been splitting them and with this wrinkle it will make things tougher to schedule. We’ll see if she is up for the conversation (text or voice) tonight.

The nice thing about being single – indulging in my less hip interests. Tonight on Netflix – Particle Fever – The Real Big Bang Theory! Amazing what is in our world. A kid dies in a lightning strike in Venice this weekend, scientists looking for the God Particle (Higgs Boson), Borderline Personality Disorder, Aspergers, final four playoffs in college football, and butterscotch oatmeal cookies. The Bard of Avon’s Horatio would be amazed at my strange little So Cal life.

Call went well. Nice to see we can play nice in the sandbox. Almost forty minutes for a five minute discussion, but good to talk about a lot of the kids issues and to see we both have similar experiences. She is still reserved about giving information out, but I do enjoy hearing the sadness or frustration in her voice when she realizes it’s not “her” the children want to spend time with, but out of a particular activity. Also interesting to hear her always twist things so that the kids should be together more often. Then wiggle out of it saying how much better and easier it is when it’s just him and her. I keep trying to reiterate that they need a lot of time together. Helping quell her fears of abandonment and prepping her for the eventual outcome of my move.

She also never mentions the MSA or anything else related to the kids. I have to bring up Fall Ball, upping the Abilify to 2mg, counseling, and Friends Club. She’ll think about them as well as the schedule for the next four days. At least we have tomorrow and Friday night down.

She also wanted to give me more time with both kids on Sunday. I told her I would be ok with it, but son may have anxiety related to the trip on Monday. If she had plans she could tell me she’s busy no need for detailed info. She hesitates and pushes back but says she has no plans just packing. That could be true. Frustrating to pack with those two kids going crazy.

Ben asked me if she was dating tonight. I told him I didn’t think so. If she was it was behind the scenes at work. She doesn’t have much free time with the split time schedule except on Sunday afternoons and that’s not prime date time. Also she isn’t adversarial. With Chris, I felt she was cheating because it felt like she was pushing it in my face. Right now she makes it feel like she is trying to draw me in slowly. Like tonight on the call not wanting to say goodbye after I said it a couple of times and she reworks a little more conversation in. If she is dating he must be from work or a dating site other than those I know since she doesn’t come up during my online window shopping. Still not ready for that world.

Maybe she’s on eharmony even though we are technically married and she isn’t allowed on that site. Then again honesty isn’t her strong suit. Besides if she was dating why make me cookies? If I’m “nothing to her” and she is dating others and getting divorced from me why make cookies? Why make me cookies twice and a pie in the last six weeks?

I don’t get the impression other divorcing couples act this way. Then again other couples aren’t dealing with a Borderline (why does the Madonna song always come to mind when I use that phrase). Maybe they do these things without a Borderline (feels like I’m going to lose my mind, and I keep on pushing my love over the borderline) spouse and I’m just naive. Wouldn’t be the first time I believed in the goodness of people and I was wrong. Myself included!

Need to continue focusing on what I’m grateful for and what kind of life I can build alone in Orange County. Focus on my kids, my family, faith, friends, and the future. Focused thoughts are powerful thoughts! Were focus goes…

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