8/1/14 – Coming To Terms

Last night was my night with the kids, and Hunter knows our son won’t leave the house during the week. She texts and texts about offers and celebration for his great completion of summer school. I read into her wanting to join us.

She has rearranged her schedule and starts the texting that she will be home by 6pm instead of getting her eyebrows done at 6:15 as originally scheduled. I loved the original scheduling since it would mean she would have things to do and not bother us during the dinner. That’s what started me reading into the texts. Why change your schedule so you can get home in time to meet us for dinner?

When she comes home she is upset. She won’t say why other than she isn’t staying. She leaves and won’t celebrate with us, and walks around the neighborhood in tears.

When she gets back from the walk I ask her why she is so upset and she tells me she took the day off from work so she could do stuff and enjoy some time to herself, but didn’t get as much so she was upset. I take it at face value. She needs the hugs and kisses I give her, and before I leave makes a comment about how she doesn’t understand why she is kissing me.

I get it. BPD rising it’s dialectically opposed fears. Can’t be alone. Can’t deal with the stress of the kids. Maybe she had lunch or drinks planned with someone and they cancelled or it didn’t go well, but she won’t tell me that or she knows she will be forever an item in my rear view mirror.

She tells me I can do whatever I want this weekend with this kids. Drop-off, pick-up, both, one, none – whatever I want. I tell her I will take both the kids after swim on Saturday and she can be alone all weekend. She says no and walks away.

She’s crying about something. I can’t believe it’s over the free time, but then again I don’t understand how she thinks. At least I keep my cool and leave without an emotional issue.

Today she texts me about a flat tire and a picture of son eating the polish sausage from Costco while they wait. Says he wants to send me the picture. I ask him tonight and he says no it was mom. She also texts me later in the day that son wants me to come over and pick him up earlier. He says he did ask for that. He does have a strong memory, and things are always different than she represents.

She texts me she has an appointment Saturday at 1pm for the tire change. I ask if it’s drivable and she says they put on the full size spare so it’s totally drivable. Then she asks if I want to do a joint thing for the morning on Saturday, then I take the kids during her appointment and then we switch kids in the afternoon.

That’s what gets me. Yesterday she switches stuff up to go with us (in my head), but then is upset when we are there. She doesn’t need to do a joint thing tomorrow so why get us all together for the beach or pool? I can’t even begin to wonder why.

The only thing I can think of is she is actually meeting someone for coffee or lunch. She takes the kids to Costco all the time so why is this time an issue with daughter. If she needs a break from them I told her I would take them both for Saturday and Sunday but no.

I put my lips out tonight as I am leaving with son. She pushes her cheek to them but I don’t kiss. She does it three times but I don’t do anything. She then kisses my cheek and I put my lips out. She kisses then tells me I’m bugging her. We leave.

I know she is doing it to appease me. She isn’t interested in reconciliation, but she also hasn’t even mentioned the MSA yet. Maybe she is dating and is waiting until she has my replacement before finalizing it. Maybe she is taking notes on time and other things so she can get me to pay her money. Maybe she is just unwilling to face the consequences of her actions. Maybe she is hoping that I just move down here and take care of her and the kids in her fantasy land of she keeps all the money and I do all the family work while she focuses on her career. I’ve done that for 15 years. No need to do that again. After she tells me I’m bugging her I tell it’s only for a few more months.

At my moms my son plays a lot with me. All his games, but completely interactive and with a smile on his face and he is polite and easy going with everyone. It’s very cool to see how different he is on the Abilify. Almost night and day. Maybe we don’t up the dose. 1 mg is so low that it could be beneficial long-term. So far the only side effect I notice is a dry throat. He says he is swallowing air and wants the noise to get the air out, but he never did it before. I’m guessing it’s scratchy and the noise soothes it. Funny – Hunters grandmother makes the same noise all the time. I just assumed it was hypertension meds. When I took them a long time ago I made the same noise.

Thankfully I am starting to become concurrently cognitively aware and pushing that knowledge to control my emotions. It is making things easier. As I told my chiro during our bi-weekly love meeting, I need to leave or she will continue to use me until there is nothing left of my practice and broke all while she is getting rich and feeling loved while I get nothing in return emotionally except a few extra hours with the kids which I would resent as my funds dwindle.

I’m starting to envision a new life in Orange County and it’s starting to feel nice to look forward to things. I tried to tell my son about it on the way over and him visiting, but he said it made him nervous about my leaving and I would I please stay. I tell him about jobs and money and he says he doesn’t see mom taking my money anymore. I tell him she isn’t but I still need a job. He doesn’t want to talk about it anymore. I tell him if I get a job down here I would stay. That makes him a little happier. That will be the tough part – leaving the kids…

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