At least now I know what she has been doing. Another hour long screaming match on the phone and I finally know what is going on.
First – She is manipulating me under the guise of “giving me extra time with kids” to horde in on my time with the kids.
Second – She is using the lies of “praying about it [MSA]” trying to keep me around North County so I will continue to take care of her and the kids.
Her fear of being alone and with nothing to do but spend time with her self loathing has been destroying my peace of mind.
The call revealed a lot. Her praying about it came to a solution of a separation agreement but not a legal separation or divorce. This way I can stay on her insurance but cuts off the community property. I asked about the money she said she was going to pay me and she said that wasn’t part of the agreement. I asked if she would do it if I moved to Orange County and “no I would have to stay down here.” Another bullshit trap.
She keeps going on about giving up on ever marrying anyone again, and I see her a couple of weeks ago when I hugged her and she wouldn’t let go and was almost in tears knowing that she ruined something that she now realizes she misses. Small windows on humility and vulnerability show some truth, but most of it is mean and nasty.
The agreement would prevent ME from leaving or remarrying. A continuous life of taking care of that psychotic bitch under the premise of taking care of the kids. She also goes off on why is the commute wrong now but not before. I tell her I got to see my kids everyday and we were working together and financially supporting our family. Something that she is not willing to do. Then she starts going off about I am just horny and want to fuck her.
I’m sure the agreement would only last until she found someone else and I’m sure the next guy will be any guy she can get to stick. She is so desperate for snuggle and love that she makes both kids sleep in her bed every night now. Those poor kids are going to be so messed up, but if I stick around here for much longer I will wind up eating a bullet. Ben’s advice from Wednesday – the best I can tell you is to minimize your contact with her.
All the horrible disgusting things she said to me on the phone and she is going to tell her mom I’m being such a bastard. I tell her to make sure she tells her the truth about the faked pregnancy, the email, the faked suicide attempt, all the horrible disgusting things she has said to me and done to me these last nine months. No comment from her.
She goes on and on about why do I want this. I tell her I am fighting for the family and kids. How much would you give so your kids don’t grow up without a dad like you did? She goes on about not getting as good a job in Orange County. Her mistake as I rip her a new one on Irvine School District being the country’s #1 public school district, all the special programs and some of the leading research on autism in the region. Then she tells me fine – go ahead and move in while I’m gone and when I come back I will lay on my back and do whatever you want while keeping a happy face on. I’ll give you twelve years just like I took from you.
How fucked up is that? I keep telling her that if I am still the only person she knows that makes her laugh and how she talks about how we have fun together and I know she misses me then there is something left she just needs to do some work to find away to forgive herself and work on the marriage. She says she feels nothing for me. Sees me and nothing. She then makes the same offer about moving in while she is on vacation. She must make that statement three or four times.
She is just plain crazy. BPD or not, if she is unwilling to get help she is perpetuating the issues onto her children.
Still no points on the MSA. I’m going to have to file this fucking thing myself. I know she will drag this thing out forever just to keep me around if I let her.
Right now what I want is blood and retribution. I know it’s not Godly and not good for karma but it feels right. Intellectually I know it’s just me holding on to her and fear of being unemployed. Intellectually I know she plays this game so I punish her instead of her punishing herself. Easier to make me a bastard than for her to admit her self loathing.
What a fucking nightmare I am in. Time to kiss the kids goodbye and pretend she doesn’t exist and run for the fucking hills. But whenever I think that it feels like The Lord is telling me not to. I just don’t what to do. When I was practically crying in front of my daughter I started reading Mathew and the chapter 6:25 comes along and I feel a nice calm come over me.
I take my daughter to dinner and have a nice time.
The hardest part is I know Hunter is fucking with me out of habit (manipulation out of fear not meanness). This morning at swim lesson she goes on and on about her self made toenails with flowers and fingernails job. She is two benches down on the bleachers and has turned her body towards mine and showing me her feet and legs while talking about her swim shorts and nails. Typical flirty body language.
Then at the beach it’s the whole the kissing is getting on my nerves. So I tell her to stop being so confusing and take my daughter in the water since my son won’t go. Hunter loves it but hates it because she won’t go in the water.
Afterwards she tells me I should get her a body board and take her out on my 1:1 days. I tell why bother I’m only going to be around for summer. Then she offers me a drink and snacks that she brought for me to the beach. Just nice enough to draw me close, but enough distance to allow for other guys to have an opportunity. At swim lessons the guy next to us kept trying to look at her fingers as well as mine to see what was up. Even he thought something was off.
Afterwards we go to the playground at the beach and I run into my soon-to-be former sister-in-law and the nieces. She seems confused to see me her with Hunter. She says that nice but with hesitation. I know Hunter has been talking shit about me to them. I wave Hunter over and they talk about somethings in disguise. I’m sure it’s getting the kids together after her trip and her brothers bday which just passed. Still no invite to a party for Hunter. I wonder if it hurts knowing I’m the only none family member or job related individual that talks to her.
I still wish I could get a hold of her phone for a couple of hours if not just to see the shit she is saying to family and if she is trying to reach out to people in Orange County and talk shit to them also. That would be a big mistake. I can still turn this blog public and fuck her rep up in a moment. I know it’s not right, but I certainly want my pound a flesh.
Obviously I need to work on my forgiveness and distance with Hunter. Prayers for guidance on where to live and what to do about my kids are on order tonight. Even made my daughter say them and asking God to open Hunters heart so she can get help. Fuck her vacation can’t get her soon enough!!!