8/3/14 – Happy Anniversary

Today’s is our 12th wedding anniversary. When Hunter drops off I make her weigh herself and she smiles and giggles a bit. I know she likes I still take care of her, but I want to keep a distance. As she tells me she isn’t going to weigh what I think I tell her happy anniversary. She says ok.

The weight is approx 101.5# morning weight after subtracting her clothes and coffee. She has put on a few pounds of belly weight the last month, but a friend of mine met with her last month and said she looked emaciated.

After she leaves I text her – 12 years – I deserved a lot better!!!! As expected no response. Narcissists and Borderlines tend to outwardly blame others. As she said yesterday she hopes I do better in my next relationship. Like I made her a psychotic cheating whore. No that was her self loathing but she will never admit it. I know what I am doing is petty punishment, but if someone deserves it it’s her.

Besides if she try’s to say it’s harassment the worst the court will do is give me 20/80 in Orange County the same place we are at now except I get to pay her monthly and she pays me yearly. A hassle but worth it to cut each check with a small epitaph of her failed relationship with Chris. You push the same button enough they explode and then stop asking for the same thing. At some point I still wish she would just die and let the rest of us live in peace. It’s not morally correct but at least it’s honest unlike Hunter. Is that petty too? Probably!

To passively aggressively push the MSA I have come up with a counter proposal to her “move back in” and “separation agreement” proposals. It basically is community property until I find a job down here or my daughter graduates from high school or college with us living in separate houses. I put at the top and back “counter proposal to your move back in and separation agreement proposals.” That way if she shows it to anymore there is no bs that she can run around other than “he is making shit up.” Which would partially work with her family, but at the same time give them pause as I am the more rational and personally engaging of the two.

I’m hoping she either goes for it or it pisses her of enough to lead the final rounds of the divorce.

Whenever I push too hard to get away and complete it I get cookies or pie or requests for “spending more time with the kids jointly.” Her way of getting me back into her presence. When I push too hard to bring her back she tells me she never loved me.

If I do nothing for a month and don’t talk to her I’m sure she will want calls to talk about the kids new school years and health concerns and counseling, etc, etc, etc. Then there will be hugging her and her needing the love and then this whole circle of hell with revolve around again. No value in that.

I will give her until Friday to update the MSA unless she is doing it this afternoon while the kids are with me. The horoscope says she will tell me no that Friday so if the stars are aligned I can start looking for a place. The real question is where.

The kids don’t want me to move which is natural. Hunter doesn’t want me to move which is typical and unhealthy for me. I want to stay and spend time with the kids without the stress of the drive. I also think the distance would be healthier for me and therefore the kids. However it would be more stressful for Hunter and as such less beneficial for the kids. That part should not be my main concern. It should be healing me! I think I know the answer is to stay here and not regret missing my kids, but at the same time I want her to sacrifice for them. I know it will never happen she won’t sacrifice for anything.

At least the kids have been playing like fairly normal kids – exception that my son doesn’t really want to go outside just draw. However he is keeping his shit together with a very whinny, cranky, and mischievous three year old sister. Off Abilify he would trying to break a door or punching she and I. On the 1mg he is pretty calm and conducting himself really well. I think I am calm today and that may help. But the Abilify has certainly improved him immeasurably.

The leg is feeling better today although not a lot of walking. May take a walk and ice it tonight, but I like the fact it feels better.

FYI – Divorce makes good people bad, bad people rotten, and rotten people happy. I guess that’s why the only people that enjoy divorces are the attorneys. Yeah that’s petty too. I must be giddy that I don’t have to see Hunter for a week!!!!

She just took the kids home. I must be giddy – I think I’m dancing at having to hear she doesn’t have good cell reception so they may not call everyday. I appreciate missing my kids but not having to see Hunter. As now usual my daughter tells me and Hunter to hug and kiss goodbye. She says no and keeps talking outside the door making me go out. I lean over and she kisses me on the cheek. I know she doesn’t love me but needs me. Maybe that will help with the MSA / agreement. She almost laughed and then small fear gripped her when I said I would need her to make space for my clothes when I move back tomorrow. Yeah I enjoy messing with her sometimes.

Happy Anniversary!!!

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