How am I supposed to be a Christian? How am I supposed to be on the eightfold path?
Another monster fight on the phone. During FaceTime my daughter goes on about wanting to be over at moms because Hunter told son he could have a movie after the call. So daughter wants to go home and watch the movie. We both say no, then daughter proceeds to go on about why she won’t give dad the stuff he bought and stealing from him. That sets me off.
I call her afterward and ask what am I supposed to do. She won the war why can’t she stop fighting. Movies, ice creams, cookie snacks, and everything else.
She goes on about what can she do if there are no feelings left for me. It’s where we are now I just need to move on. I go off about twelve years and that she knew this would happen. I was a great husband until she started making more money. Then she talks about sons issues and she didn’t know that was going to happen to start all this (first time I’ve heard her say that although I think it has a lot to do with this). Then she goes on about my mom and dad and how miserable they are, so I go on about her mom and stepdad (and she agrees), and then it’s me going why can’t she just stop.
Winners are supposed to be magnanimous not stomp on the loser. Especially the loser that has taken care of you for 16 years. She asks me what I want her to say. How about stopping the “you are visiting your dad? ” That your house is “their house” but this is “my apartment.” That all their toys have to stay there. She keeps going on using my name trying to irritate me so I start doing the same but she is talking over me trying to deflect. If there is a God in heaven I am starting to wonder why he lets evil like her walk the earth. Right now I really do wish either she or I would have a heart attack tonight and die. Either way I would be free if this psychotic bitch.
All throughout the conversation I ask what I did to deserve this. She constantly replies “nothing. You did nothing to deserve this. I said I was sorry now move on and enjoy the little time you have with the kids.” It’s well rehearsed. It’s also very telling. She assigns no guilt to herself for this. It’s my problem and there is nothing she can do about it, and she knows she is giving me “little” time with the kids. It’s almost imperceptible but it’s always there so it’s a constant reminder that she won. I hope she goes to hell. If there is a God and a hell then she better be there! That’s the way I feel, but I know it’s not right.
I am being tested and failing miserably. Her shutting down into an emotional nothing without any joy and little anger seems to be better than what I am doing. I know she doesn’t really believe in Worshipping God or following His precepts. She does it just to erase her guilt and try to make friends / boyfriends.
If I am supposed to be getting better, if I am supposed to be following the teachings of Christ and Buddha why am I so horrible to her?
I know everyone tells me I have the right to be upset. To punish her as much as I want as she has earned that privilege, but it’s not healthy for any of us. How do I let this all go? How do I move on? How do I emulate the forgiveness of Christ? The compassion of Buddha?
Instead I just cause pain and anguish to those around me. If I was an outsider I would think I was the bad guy. I am starting to think that’s true as well.
So God help me out. Show me the way. Show me the path. Help me show her forgiveness even if I never get what I want and she remarries next month. Even if I go broke and she dies filthy rich and peaceful and happy. Show me how to be at peace with what I do and how I act. Right now I’m not proud of myself and Hunter has a right to not want to talk to me even if she deserves it. Even if she is doing wrong by me and the kids.
God Help me find forgiveness and peace.