8/11/14 – What’s My Self Worth?

Yesterday wasn’t of much value. Didn’t get any sleep and I had muscle aches from the top of my neck to the bottom of my spine, my stomach is killing me and I obviously overdid the walking as my shin was extremely swollen all weekend.

I felt bad for my son as he just drew and colored and played his pretend games with me as I iced my shin and slept on the couch Sunday morning until lunch. It was good for my daughter as she went to take a 2.5 hour nap at 11:30 am all on her own. She doesn’t get enough sleep with everything going on in her life.

When Hunter picked up my son I didn’t say anything and she didn’t come in the apartment past the entry way. She said hello and goodbye and I didn’t even look at her. She closed the door on her own – I wouldn’t get up to help. I’m still royally pissed off.

After that my daughter and I had dinner with my parents then to bed. I hate it when my daughter needs too much reassurance and then she sleeps in my bed and the fight over tv and book reading in my bed continues and I get crappy sleep. Woke about around 1am and back to sleep around 4/5 am and up by 7 am to get everything done. Didn’t get daughter to school until 8:30. I am sure Hunter is going to make a comment. She doesn’t appear to have any issues with sleep – maybe it’s the daily consumption of alcohol (2 drink max 1 drink min) or the fact she doesn’t let herself feel anything. I wish I could totally shut down. She does it so easily.

On Saturday when we were taking there was a point where she is cleaning two feet from me and is not even responding to me. When I repeat a question she asks me what I said? To be able to completely block out the world is truly a mastered skill. I mostly have been dealing with my anger and rage at her, God, and me. Why did we all let this happen?

I just want to walk out into the desert and fade away. My current fantasy is to spend every penny I have, fail to pay the life insurance policy and die in the desert. Fuck her and her desire to keep using me for her security blanket. I didn’t want any of this – not the job – not the kids (although I appreciate having them even if Hunter and I are not providing a healthy living situation for them right now) – not the move – not the house – not any of it. And it’s all based on lies. If I had known all of this would have happened I would have dumped her a decade ago, but it’s too late to regroup and get back into a safe and secure industry job like Hunter’s. She waited until I was most vulnerable and there was nothing left for her to take and then decides she “isn’t going to do the work.”

She wants to be miserable and punish herself and everyone around her. I just want to buy a house and get on with my life, or at least try to find something worth living for. Unfortunately, learning to live down as you have spent your entire adult helping someone else get to where you both wanted to be sucks as she walks away with your life and self worth.

The longer I stay in this hell the worse it is for me and the kids. I know I talk too much about Hunter when the kids are around, but it is so hard not to constantly try and listen to the BS she feeds them without defending myself. Everyone is now calling each other a liar. My son is the worst as he tries to defend his mom regardless of accuracy. And I’m tired of hearing about how “mom will let us visit you.”

Like I’m not the father just extended family like an aunt or uncle. And I know how much the kids get to see her brother (6 X a year) and sister (1 X every five years). I’m supposed to be their father and right now I am truly just a babysitter so Hunter gets a break from the kids.

I call and leave her a message. As usual she won’t pick up because she secretly hopes I will say something mean and she can play it for others to hear. If they ever read this side of things they would never listen to her again. I guess better to be a false villain than a false victim like Hunter. In a few years I will be gone, Hunter will be yelling and screaming and there will be no one there to blame it on. Unfortunately, there will be no one there to save them either.

Strangely enough I get a text from Hunter. Son is having extreme issues at swim camp again and she will respond with an email tonight. She texts me that she doesn’t want to talk since it’s busy at work since is back from vacation and doesn’t want to start a fight. She texts me that she will figure out things for my son if camp doesn’t work out, but I know how the game works.

She keeps a copy of the text for everyone to read, but she only texts me if there are issues that she can’t handle. Hence if she texts me she knows I will help her to help my son and figure out things with my parents. But if she asks directly then she thinks like earlier this summer I can “throw it back in her face” and use it to “get a better deal” on the divorce. Not sure how that’s possible as everything is settled (except Orange County custody) and the financial numbers are firm. She doesn’t want to “owe anyone anything.” What that really a translates in English from BPD is I can’t do anything on my own and I am too scared to be generous and kind since I am a scare little girl so if I tell people I don’t owe them then no one will know the truth.

And that is why I think she won’t get help, or “do the work,” or put my son in therapy again. Doing all of those things requires humility and honesty and faith in oneself and the future. She has none of those things and I “know what she is and capable of.” I am sure having to spend time with the person who’s opinion of you means the most and knowing they see you for the worthless fake you see yourself as is a daunting task. One that most people don’t want. For the most part I just want to love her and have her love me – a family.

Of course I sit here and am scared of what my future will be like as I am not much of a salesmen for my type of work and I see the Arthur Miller ending of my own life. A poor, miserable failure with no one to work with to sustain a long and prosperous future.

I know she will nickel and dime me out of as much money as possible and spend her money or her jeans and face creams and spa days and cheap children’s clothes and never once really think about being generous or kind or giving to anyone. She will eventually spend a ton of money on some guy to travel with since she will never travel alone.

The worst part is even if I can find someone to love and travel with Hunter always sets up the calendar so the holidays interfere with having a week off. It’s easier if you don’t have to spend more than a couple of days during the holiday alone or she will end up in a drunken walk of shame to fill the void. Right now I wish I had the courage to use someone else to fill the void. Right now I just wish I could believe that there is a third act to my life worth living and not just as a cautionary tale.

So I sit here and wonder what I am so afraid of. Everyone I talk to about her on a personal level, and most on a professional level say the same things about her. At best she is good at her job, cold and distant if they don’t know her that well, and those with more intimate knowledge consistently describe her as a cold hearted bitch / stuck-up snob / conceited bitch or some other combination of the three. She was great the first few years unless she went nuts being too drunk. The affair year sucked. The last couple of years she was a selfish self-centered bitch because we didn’t agree about son’s treatment. She was only nice and fun the last year when she was afraid I was leaving.

Now she is back to bitch since she knows she owns the kids and I can’t take them away. I really just think she goes out to destroy anyone who leaves her. Although she may be “pushing” the divorce it’s me who moved out, me who makes the appointments with the attorney, and me who keeps pushing the MSA.

It must be fear that is creating this misery. That fear must be based solely in a lack of self esteem or self worth. I’m sure I have thought this all before. My biggest issue is getting caught up in the damaging internal dialogue. I need to change that.

I make good money and can afford my own life. I can easily reconnect in Orange County or build up a network if I really want to down here even if it’s not the same level of financial success. I can lose the last 25 pounds pretty quickly once I am out of corporate busy season and the leg is finally healed. Most people say the new shave head makes me look younger and better looking than when I married Hunter. Most people think I am at least 5 to 8 years younger than I am. I am smart, have a fairly supportive family and can easily spend the next ten years living in an apartment and not working while still enjoying a good life without taking any financial supports from Hunter. I must truly believe the lies Hunter told me about being fat, lazy, stupid, ugly, and not good enough for her.

Maybe it’s I never felt I was attractive. That probably isn’t even true. I always knew there were girls who liked me. Some that I actually liked back, but I was never confident around them. That was what was easy with Hunter. She knew what she wanted and led me through the process. I didn’t need to know she helped me through it and didn’t condemn me for it. I’m sure that is the one thing she liked about Chris – he was always confident in his alpha male skills. No matter how much a women wants a gentleman (nice guy that goes slow) they all want the excitement of the bad boy alpha male. I’ve always been the nice guy and nice guys finish last.

That is probably the biggest fear. Now that I am used to a relationship I don’t think I’m good enough to find a pretty girl again who is nice and down to earth. Not that she has to be beautiful, just girl next door cute and caring more about the real things then the placard on the vehicle or the size of my house or the zip code it’s in. I know most guys only care about the physical and Hunter will easily be in a new relationship as soon as she wants if she isn’t starting one already. I fear I will never be in one again.

Based on the window shopping I’ve done on the dating sites there are not a whole lot of women who aren’t expecting a certain level of physical appearance (even with the weight loss I will still be a little loss skinned around the belly) and I’m average height and shaved head (no thick full head of hair). The married women all talk about using my assets ($), but why would I want a woman who is just interested in money. I’m not interested in a woman for just what’s between her thighs or what’s in her sweater. I want more than superficial and spending so much time in “The OC,” and for that matter San Diego, Bentley superficial can be pretty standard. Everyone chasing the BBD (bigger, better deal) and never spending enough time understanding the value of a human being.

If money eventually rusts won’t a women who is interested in me for mine do the same thing Hunter did once it’s gone? Maybe I just need to be alone, but I like the connection. Even if Hunter didn’t feel it enough I think part of that was her guilt and her BPD.

I sure am fucked up. Hopefully tonight the changes Hunter and her attorney want are small and cosmetic and I can just sign-off on them and we can get the changes started this week. Then I can just concentrate on building up my self worth and salvaging what is left of my time on this planet. Maybe it’s time to stop thinking about me and start thinking about serving others. Mother Theresa may have questioned the existence of God, but she also lived a life she was proud of. I’m not anywhere close.

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