This morning went well, but now as I sit here at work looking at the 76 returns and estimates that need to be completed by 9/15 I am feeling overwhelmed. Another time of fear and distress as my self worth has no reserves to draw from in this time of need. They have all been depleted for her.
I want to start over. I want a fresh start. To be 30 and have everything the world has to offer me in front of me instead of all my options in my rear view window. As much as I used to like the idea of a challenge to start from scratch I always envisioned the safety net of Hunter’s career. That was what we planned. Her steady and me risky. Had we stayed in Orange County mine would have seemed to have paid off. But split between the two worlds I am losing hold of everything.
My peace of mind is gone. Self worth wasn’t much to begin with but it’s dwindled to nothing. My compassionate parenting skills seem to be misplaced. My sense of certainty and understanding of the world is gone. The world now is flat and everyone seems to have the evidence to prove my round world view wrong.
This paradigm shift has me fucked up. It seems to made Hunter more peaceful as son is easier to deal with on the Abilify. Peaceful is probably the wrong word. The amount of energy she is able to divert into holding her emotional walls together has increased making things easier on her. She also doesn’t have to worry about her job, of packing, or moving, or the kids. She won the war, the graft, the con. I’m left holding the empty life she stole from me. The worst part is knowing that she seems to have already moved on and come to terms with this so it’s easy now. I’m just a nuisance at best and the person she hates more than anything. She used to say it took her twenty years to stop hating Patrick and when I would ask why she hated him she would say she didn’t hate him. She lives in a confusing world.
She has gotten comfortable with living this way and involved in the routine. I actually helped with this by allowing her to slow the process. Even now after the fight last night she still hasn’t sent me the MSA changes or her comments on my proposal.
I know she is desperate to keep me around and at a distance. I’m her security blanket and the aid and assistance she needs. Only when she gets angry does she deny it. Although based on today’s conversation I may be wrong. Her stock and money may be her security blanket now.
She sends me the email of changes from her attorney – virtually all of them are changes to what we have already negotiated. That pisses me off so I call and leave a firm but purposeful vmail.
She calls me back to talk about son and how he attacked his aid and was almost kicked out of swim camp. Then we talk about the agreement. What I want, why I want it, how she offered it. She tells me how she is trying not to hate me more than anyone else in the world. How she wants this to be finished so that she never has to speak with me ever again. How horrible I have been. How she will never be generous with me, and wishes I would just go away (die essentially). I read her what I wrote yesterday and how bad I feel. How sorry I am, but you never apologize.
She pulled out the usual “I said I was sorry.” I tell her that’s not the same as when I say I’m sorry after I say something. Apologies aren’t a once and done. When you say something mean you have to apologize again. She tells me she’s tired and if it’s all about money then have it written up, but she wants to be divorced. I ask why the separation agreement. More talk – both sides of her mouth.
She makes a comment about how she never thought it would be like this. I ask what she thought it would be like. Then she tells me she didn’t know but I kept pushing in November and wouldn’t let things settle down. Now there is no turning back. Basically she never thought we would get divorced. That we would live like that forever or eventually we would get back together as long as no one else knew. Typical BPD. All projection and no acceptance of responsibility. It still doesn’t alleviate me of my responsibility to be forgiving and compassionate towards her hellish (albeit wealthy) existence. Although Ben gave a hint that she may not end up that way if I don’t take care go her. That eventually she may break down under extreme pressure.
That afternoon I talk with one of my partners about what’s going on and wanting to find a way to live down in SD and commuting up here only two days a week. Pushing rainmaking to him, and running the practice like he always wanted. Basically his response is try and make it on you own down there. If I’m not going to Woodland Hills and he has to go up there then he doesn’t need me. I don’t think he has the balls to pull the trigger, but his kids are getting older and his wife wants more money to buy new cars.
I text Hunter to send over any job listings or recruiters in SD as I have been subtly fired. She sends me a name of a SD recruiter and a OC recruiter which is funny since I know more in OC and LA than her. Her response “I’m sorry to hear that.” I almost want to get this thing signed, lose my job and then leach her for $5k a month plus $50k at year end. I’m not sure she realizes what me being unemployed would mean to her. I don’t want to tap her, but she will not do the moral thing only the legal thing so that’s what I may make her do. When the numbers benefit her she is happy. When they won’t I don’t think she will do a happy dance.
Either way I think being close to my kids is more important than money. Now it’s time to hit the streets after 9/15 harder than usual. Hopeful God will help me find a way.