I don’t think more sleep was helpful. I have the biggest headache – bigger than I can remember in a VERY long time. Like a monster hangover from my college days. It’s making me a little down, and aspirin, caffeine, and fresh air have not helped.
Work is moving, but slowly.
Meeting with Ben was helpful. He answered the three questions I had for him (albeit socratically). First, minimal contact for the wrong reason will lead to poor outcomes. Minimal contact for the right reasons will be freeing. No 2 from the Noble Eightfold Path.
Second, he helped me understand the codependency dynamic when utilizing my family as well as the neighbors who I spent so much time with.
Third, he agreed that Hunters probability for losing it is very low. I’ve helped her get used to the new routine. This is good for her, the kids, and not my preferred custody with the kids it brings a little closure on that issue.
Just still wrestling with where to live and still get distance. His question on why did I think Patrick and Chris eventually left the state to get away from her – the only way to get distance and heal since she takes out such violent and destructive revenge on anyone who abandons her.
Also we are both convinced that there will never be a romantic and physical relationship between us. At best an open marriage where we are living together (not for me or her). He thinks the reason she is not moving the divorce forward is she is waiting for me to break. Not to get back together, but to keep the image of a family. Something I just need to get over since it will only just keep me in pain.
Typical BPD trait. Keep the caretaker around until a new one can be found. Must be why Hunter put 20 events on the calendar – two regarding my sons school and the rest her personal events (PTA, church, work parties). All for me to babysit the kids while she meets and greats to find friends and a boyfriend.
I also got the impression that he thinks I need to make a decision on where to live. I’m tormenting myself by leaving it open. He made a comment about how I’ve been wrestling with the issue for months and will probably continue to do so for more months. Combine that with the comment regarding Patrick and Chris and his personal story of how he kept a minimum distance of 100 miles for the first two years after he left his BPD first wife, I think he sees how much I am in pain and knows I’m not at this time able to emotionally disconnect from her since I have to speak or see her a few days a week.
Even on an easy day I have 20 calendar events to think about and a dozen emails regarding dinner and drop-off / pick-up – the five w’s and an h.
I just need to find a way for the universe to unfold or me. I think it already has but then again I wasn’t aware of all this mental issues in everyone 12 months ago.
The Choice: Leave her behind to heal and miss the kids. Stay in torment and spend time with the kids. I know the right answer is distance. I just don’t want it to be.
Me as the “caretaker” looking to take care of the kids now that Hunter is out of the picture. I just need to find a way to put me as the person I want to take care of and I think everything will be good.
Right now I’m shutting the blinds and relaxing with a cold compress until dinner with the kids tonight. Need to mentally run through what to say when Hunter is there. I’m guessing if things go well at her church event she will be happy and chatty, and therefore hurt if I say nothing. If not that great she will be bitchy and look for a fight if I talk. Decisions decisions.
Well how about that? Son wants to come to my house for dinner. I did some digging to see why or if Hunter was behind it and low and behold – Clone Wars! He wanted to come to my house to play with his Star Wars and Clone Wars figures.
God bless small miracles. For a man of my generation sharing Star Wars with his son is always a dream. One I thought would not be part of my life. It’s not quite the same as an NT kid, but his enthusiasm is rubbing off on daughter (who doesn’t want to be at moms house or my house – she really just wants to be with her big brother since her choice seems to always be his now). I may actually get something that the three of us can connect with without Hunter. That would be a wonderful miracle!
She has come and gone with few words and little damage. Good for everyone.