8/16/14 – This Is My Second Chance

I’ve been thinking a lot about Hunters statement that she gave me a second chance when she stayed with me after Chris (albeit lying about it ten years ago).

I know it wasn’t giving me a second chance as much as keeping her fears of being alone and giving herself a second chance. It had nothing to do with me.

Talking with a lot of divorced people last night and what they want and are looking for and I don’t see many who have figured it out. That it’s not about finding the next one or for that matter the “one.” It’s about finding someone that is right for me. It’s even interesting to watch people who are ok playing the role of soul searcher when they are really just after PYT. I even got grilled from some young lady about why I’m not just chasing tail. Because I don’t want to do what I’m doing now TWICE. I want to make sure I’m with the right person instead of just finding people.

And her statement is what has been running around my head this afternoon (the morning was just lazying around and being depressed).

The divorce is my second chance.

The divorce is my chance to think about me and what I want. I’ve spent too many years trying to be selfless to get love and someone to take care of me. All to my personal detriment. Now it’s time to be smart. To put me at the center of who I will take care of first. CA law doesn’t allow me to make a lot of decisions about the kids anymore. So it is time to make decisions that are best for me.

This is my second chance. I don’t want to screw it up like Hunter.

Time to think about what I enjoy doing. Based on last nights party I’m too young in attitude and musical taste for most people my age. I don’t have a lot in common with the mindset of those ten years younger although they are more in line with my energy and tastes.

It will take a while before I find someone who isn’t looking at my wallet, isn’t too out of control, but still young at heart enough to have sillier fun. Someone who is generous and kind. Professional yet has an edge. Not sure if and when there will be someone out there for me, but there has to be at least one.

Shopping at Target today was hard. Back to school in full swing and all I’m thinking is I won’t be able to pass along my family tradition of a new lunch box every school year. That type of thinking is killing me. There is no reason that I can’t take my son to get a new lunch box for school – whether Hunter gets upset or not.

Made me a bit sad to know that I will miss a lot in Orange County. I started thinking maybe I should start looking for widows or someone young enough to want another kid. Then I slapped myself. I’m too old for that foolishness. But it was a great reminder of how much all of my pain is related to my desire for the Normal Rockwell family picture. Need to start understanding what the New American Family dynamics are like and how to apply them to my life.

At least I need to remind myself that there is a future for me. One that I can create for myself. It may not be as rich as I imagined, but maybe it will be more fun and honest and exciting than one with Hunter and that should be more important. Living an honest and emotionally more fulfilling life by myself and potentially with someone else is worth more than money.

This is my second chance. I don’t want to waste it like Hunter did hers.

She wouldn’t be someone I would ask out now. I’m not looking for a closed off wall flower who only speaks up to take over the business end of things. She doesn’t really laugh or crack jokes or interested in doing anything fun. She doesn’t have an authentic smile anymore. Even if she had her infatuation “fuck me” eyes. It’s easy to see the difference between crazy and genuine attraction once you have been through hell. Even last night one of the gals I was talking with was nuts. It didn’t take too long to start seeing how she lies or exaggerates to gain information. How she uses her looks and sex appeal to try and play me and another guy she had started dating. Flirting with me to make him jealous. I know how much she was pissed to see she couldn’t tempt me at all and kept pushing the boundaries to get me to bite. I’m sure she isn’t turned down too much, but I’m here to meet someone compatible with me not another women who uses sex to manipulate me. Too many years in that insanity to do it again.

When I picked up my son I asked Hunter to reconsider the custody schedule for me in Orange County. If I need to pick up on Fridays two of the three Fridays a month that would be fine. I could always mix it with work and client meeting if I need to. Not sure why she would hesitate so much other than she wants to control the kids for her own fears. Too bad that will only end up backfiring on her. I’m guessing she will screw up this third chance for her. She seems to be settling in on the kids and her “mommy duties.” As long as she doesn’t date or get too stressed at work things could work out for her and the kids. It won’t be rich in warmth and love, but hopefully a lot less anger than earlier this year.

This is my second chance. Time to make good on my future and not let the shadows of the past invade it. The future is mine for the making. I need to make sure I keep focusing on me and my needs and wants and desires. Time to be generous to me – kind to me – loving to me. Things that I haven’t done in a long, long time.

This my second chance – my new beginning. I can’t wait to become excited about it everyday. To be excited again. What a wonderful possibility!

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