8/19/14 – Patterns

Yesterday was a fairly good day in my healing process. Even after the morning event I was still impressed how well I handled it – even with the one jab about all the money she spends on new clothes.

That still just rubs me the wrong way. I alway get my daughters clothes with the tags still on. Hunter’s way of subtly letting me know she spends money at Target (mostly on sale and some clearance) for the kids clothes. Then I see her yesterday morning and she has a completely new outfit – $200 jeans, $180 jacket, and probably a $60 blouse. Throw in the shoes (assuming they were not new, but I didn’t see them) and she has a $600 outfit on. So push off the fact that she spent $40 on new clothes for my kids at Target.

I gave her the opportunity to discuss splitting those costs along time ago, but she balked and now suffers the “burden.” My children are more than happy to parrot back that “mom bought me these” to anyone who asks.

Then again Hunter wouldn’t pack my daughters Halloween costume for Halloween in Summer this morning at her daycare which made my daughter cry. We don’t want the expensive things dad bought leaving her house. I can’t change those things, but unless it’s Star Wars or Wii they will reside in La Costa Valley until Hunter passes away.

Still no thanks for the clothes coupon at Target, or signing up our son in fall ball. Still no comments on the MSA from her – she hasn’t read this draft yet. Not sure why she thinks she is waiting for, but I know subconsciously it’s about keeping me pinned down here to take care of her and the kids for as long as possible.

Hopefully, yesterday morning with give her pause and understand that I’m not going to be doing that anymore. My responsibility is to my children not her. I’m guessing she is starting to see that because she has also stopped dividing and packing my stuff at her house. That’s probably not a smart move. If I do it, I’m guessing I will be a little more generous to myself than she would have been.

Sunday was an interesting day. My son didn’t want to leave my place and wanted back to Hunter’s even if he missed the birthday party Sunday afternoon. At the party I ended up restraining him for hitting me because he wanted to go back with mom. After talking with him and asking him directed questions, “what if I take you to my apartment and you can hang out with mom there?” No I want to go to my house. “What if I stay with you there and mom comes to the party and watches daughter?” Fine, I just want to go home.

It’s clear he is retreating into that dwelling as his personal sanctuary, his own fortress of solitude. That took a little pressure off my ego and the need to be important in my kids life since they are so mommy centric (as most kids are that age). My daughter still constantly wants to go back with mom, but that is really about watching movies. Every time she talks to mom about going over it has to include a movie. No movie and daughter isn’t interested in leaving. That little girl is going to be a master manipulator when she gets older and more subtle. Heaven help the men she ensnares.

Yesterday after dropping my daughter off at school I get a call from Hunter crying hysterically. “The kicked him out of splash camp. I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life. They said they called and left a message, but I never got it.” She continues on, but I’m a block from the camp so I tell her I will be there in a couple of minutes. A U-turn later and I’m on my way.

After I park I see her there with her door open, and I’m thinking to myself what am I doing? I don’t need to be here. I can’t change this fact. I can’t yell at anyone loud enough or threaten anyone enough to get him back in camp so why did I come rushing over?

The same reason she called. PATTERNS

We’ve developed these codependent patterns where she gets easily overwhelmed and emotionally unhinged and I come to the rescue sacrificing my life for hers. That would be great if I were Christ but I still need I get to work and try and salvage a steady paycheck.

As I walk up I see Hunter look to me. I instead open the back door and say hello to my son. As I open the door he is unbuckling and about to get out when I tell him to stay there, that I love him, and that he did nothing wrong. The camp was wrong this time. He should not feel bad about this since it was not his fault – it was the camps.

I hug him again, tell him I love him, and then turn to Hunter and tell her I will talk with my parents. After the call I walk over to the passenger side and she is about to open the door when I tell her to roll down the window. I let her know that my parents will pickup my son at her house this morning and watch him Monday but they can’t Tuesday. She tells me she will call Debbie and see what other options we can put together.

That’s when I make a comment about on the new clothes (not proud of it). Then walk away. As I get about three yards away I turn around and start walking back and I hear Hunter crying uncontrollably. I open the my sons door and she has stopped. I tell him I love him and that he shouldn’t feel bad since it wasn’t his fault it was the camps this time. He has already emotionally shut down before I go there so no real response except to the hugs. He just needs some love.

Later Hunter calls me after she spoke with one of the people in charge and the head person planning on calling her later in the day. She tells me son apologized profusely to her about making her sad and getting kicked out of another program. I subtly tell Hunter that she can’t say those things in front of him. It’s our job to support him, not vice versa. It destroys his self worth even more if he is letting down mom as well as getting kicked out and publicly humiliated since they did it in front of everyone at the start of camp.

She glosses over it.

I tell her that’s why I kept saying it’s not his fault and I love him. To help him understand that he is still loved and that it wasn’t his fault.

She starts on about writing letters and ripping into the head guy when he calls. I finally gently cut her off and tell her to let me know how that call goes.

Later that afternoon I leave work early to talk with son again. Help reinforce the truth. He understands and nods his head all the time. I ask him if he feels it’s true and he shakes his head no. I tell him when he feels what I am saying is true things will be better.

Late that night Hunter texts me about how the camp apology from the department head still isn’t good enough. She wrote and mailed a letter to the ED and will be calling monthly to see how the camp is improving it’s inclusion program. I tell her to skip the PTA and get involved in an advocacy charity for kids on the Spectrum / Aspergers. It would be a better use of her time (and a healthier way to utilize her anger and rage).

I ask how she is doing and she says ok. I tell her I hope she finds a way to open up to someone someday. No one should go through life holding everything in. No response as expected.

I’m guessing she is starting to realize the habit she has and is continuing to increase her emotional distance. Between the two of us we may finally unravel this mess and become two units. Hopefully she will work on herself and get to a place where she can have an emotionally mature relationship with someone. I will continue to work on me and let God sort out whether or not there is someone else out there for me and when the right time will be to meet her. Hopefully by then I will have broken all of these old and unhealthy patterns between Hunter and I so I don’t carry them into the next relationship.

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