8/25/14 – Getting Stronger

Another day, another dollar. At least that’s what it feels like – just a dollar. Counting down the 60+ returns and estimates to complete before 9/15 and in the last week I have only cleaned out 20, and that is because one if my partners couldn’t land 9 partnerships for the second year in a row. Not sure why we keep putting them on the client list if we don’t bill them for anything.

The last week has been a strong week for me emotionally. Haven’t felt the need to call, talk, or write about any of divorce shit I’m going through. That doesn’t mean I haven’t had my moments, but I am using walking, meditation, and more beneficial self talk to keep me more level. Even Ben was fairly proud of the way I am handling things and the other groups and starting to look to me on how to progress instead of trying to help me through things.

Tuesday was a tough night without contact with her or the kids. Sunday afternoon was tough since my son wasn’t interested in going outside the house again. At least I’m not yelling at anyone anymore, but it is tough not to say things about Hunter when I am trapped in my apartment for 24 hours straight in order to avoid broken doors. I’m sure as time passes that will get less as the anger has decreased dramatically.

I’m sure all the contact the previous few days didn’t help at all on Sunday. Wednesday was a half dozen texts, Thrusday another half dozen texts, Friday a couple less but a couple of calls I let go to voicemail, Saturday a half hour call in the morning several emails and seeing her to pick up the kids where she always try’s to make some conversation, then Sunday texts about pickup time and then seeing her twice to drop off and pick up the kids. Then this morning she is working from home when I drop off my daughters things and she wants a few minutes of conversation before I leave.

It’s always about the kids, but so much is just repetitive. It’s why we have a family calendar so we don’t have to constantly communicate things. With the exception of maybe two texts and the emails (on Saturday) to arrange the calendar and sitting needs the rest is worthless. It’s always the same thing. Son keeps bringing up being kicked out…still no counseling. Hunter thinks it’s too much. I know it’s not enough, but she holds the insurance and the time slots. Not much I can do, but constantly reinforce things.

She still hasn’t read the second draft of the MSA and my attorney hasn’t gotten back to me yet. Both of them are starting to grind on me.

The funny thing about all of this is I still have daydreams of where we find a way back together, but when I see her in person I can’t let her get near me. Even when she try’s to unconsciously instigate (bringing out her phone to check messages, or walking close to me and talking) I’m still keeping an unconscious distance. Even this morning when she asked me to stay to talk about a couple of things as I was heading to the door I stayed on the other side of the kitchen and the dining room. Even when she moved over to my side to get her phone I kept a couple of yards between us. I think even if I wanted to get close again my body may not let me.

I am sure it is the healthier alternative, and I’m glad my body knows better than my dreams. In the end I’m sure I just need more connection especially since I’m not getting as much time with my daughter anymore. Since summer is over I lose a night with her. Which is tough since we are splitting the kids so I only get one day and one evening with her and the same with him. Although son is really only interested in drawing, but I did get a few games of Connect 4 in on Sunday. He actually won a few too. Better that than nothing, and I’ll take it.

After Labor Day Hunter and I are going to 1:1 for the entire weekends. I won’t be doing any happy hours, but I will get some more time with son and daughter. We are hoping that some of sons anxiety is coming from all of the changes in routine (school, splash camp, summer school, splash camp, grandma & grandpa, then school again). Hopefully by mid-late September son will be routined again and his anxiety and need for 1:1 time almost all weekend will be gone. At least that is the hope. It will allow me a little more time with both kids.

My biggest hope is that Hunter finally agrees to the three weekend custody schedule if I drive down two of the three Fridays every month. It puts 30,000 driving miles for me a year, but that’s why I bought a VW diesel – to drive the shit out of it for 300,000 miles at 40+ miles to the gallon. I hope it lasts like the online forums talk about.

As for work today I hope the staff get me stuff soon or I am going to be filled with anxiety myself! At least I am feeling stronger. It isn’t always easy, but as long as I keep it in my head that this all came about because I need to learn forgiveness for myself and to be the conduit of Gods forgiveness to Hunter it keeps me healthier. Not healed but moving in the right direction and that’s all that I can ask for right now.

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