9/7/14 – Waiting for Godot

Yesterday went really well with my son (and USC beat Stanford). It’s been a really long time since he was this present and interactive. Even coming to me to play which is unusual. I think the routine of school and the Abilify is working really well. We’ll see how he does at baseball practice today for a real test.

The kid switch was a good reminder of the worst part of Hunter. She was supposed to drop off daughter at 3pm, but the party was going long. She texts me right after three taking about how it’s the longest party even and no cake yet. Of course my son is asking when she’s coming because knowing when there are changes is important to him.

We back and forth over the next hour as my son keeps asking. In the end I let him play Wii while we wait. When Hunter arrived my son asks her what she is doing here – he’s in the middle of the game. She starts throwing a little hissy fit and is flustered by having to “rush” over. She thought she had until 5.

Total lie. She knew it was three which is why she texted me then. She just didn’t get the adoration she was expecting from son when she arrived and having to talk to people for three hours is emotionally draining on her. She needed someone to help her and she sees it’s not me anymore. It must be tough. I know it’s tough on me.

The rest of the night goes well except driving my daughter around in the car for an hour so she can nap. She still needs them but won’t take them. A small sacrifice for her health.

However, this morning sucked. Hunters words coming out of my daughters mouth. Can I take the toys home to my house I don’t have any there? Can I take the candy home since I only came for a visit? Did you see the new clothes mom bought me? Mommy takes me a lot of places.

That just sets me off. I pay for half of those clothes via supports (or waiving rights to some). Hunter has virtually all of the toys. I only have a couple of things. Hunter doesn’t take them anywhere unless it’s the park, pool or beach unless she has to spend an entire weekday with one of them. But then she sits and watches and takes pictures (to show me or keep for eternity without looking back and caring).

It’s sad to see no interaction between Hunter and the kids. I looked through the photos of her trip to Seattle and virtually nothing of Hunter engaging with them. Even at the pool now she just reads a book.

That whole “visit” thing rubs me the wrong way too. I’m her father not an out of town relative. My children should not be referring to me as a visit like my parents. I just have to fucking let it go. I can’t change her or the kids. Right now I can’t seem to change my stars or my emotions. I just need to find some space to be free at.

When Hunter stops by to pick up daughter our son is not with her. He’s in the car and won’t get out. I tell her to tell him it’s illegal for us to leave him alone in the car (which she does all the time with him). She doesn’t even respond.

Then she starts going on about needing lots of prayers for today because he has been talking about being sick. He obviously doesn’t want to go to baseball. That I am sure is going to be tough on both of them. Thankfully, daughter will be watched by my parents. My suspicious mind thinks she is doing this to flirt with the other dads. My rationale mind knows that will never happen with Son. Too much stress for him and her.

I’m sure she will be texting me in a few hours all about it if things go bad. If they go well I will get pictures.

As for me I will be stepping into a 14 day (with commute time) before getting home around 10pm. At least I should get a few things done today.

Productive at work and a couple of texts from Hunter about how well son was doing today – even with it being hot. Proud of how far he is coming within a couple of months and the new dose of Abilify appears to be fully in his system now.


The Reason by Hoobastank keeps playing in my head. Saturday I got a new app on the iPad with guitar tabs / chords. One of the two songs I was learning was The Reason (the other was Heroes by Bowie). It was the one song Hunter constantly sang out loud in my car whenever it came on the radio. She never sang anything and used to say she just really liked it.

Looking back it was her way of apologizing to me for her infidelity even though she never admitted until last year. Now it is replaying in my head. Where is this girl who made me her reason to do right by me. Her reason to make a life with me instead of some dbag from Chino? Why am I so hung up on her? I won’t date a woman who cheated on her husband so why Hunter?

The only I can think of is fear. Fear of missing and losing my kids. Fear of never finding anyone to be that partner (in-crime, for life, whatever euphemism you choose). To find a connection with someone that I had with Hunter so long ago. Someone to explore the world with. Someone to spend family time with. Someone to love and be loved by. I constantly feel I will never find a person like that again.

I know God should come first, but how long do I have to wait for Godot? How long do I have to wait until I get to be a full time father again? A full time friend? A full time love? You can’t exactly explore wine country with God as your date. People will look at you funny.

I don’t want to wait anymore, but I also don’t want to still have residual feelings for Hunter lingering around. When will God make them cease and allow me to walk forward free from the past. I don’t know, but I am getting a bit impatient even though I know God’s timing is better than mine.

Went to a prayer meeting for a friend of mine’s wife who has cancer. Funny to see some of Hunters old coworkers there calling me Hunters husband. The worst part is I met a girl that interested me. Not that I could ask her out at an event like that, but the rapport was there. Then as I leave one of Hunters old coworkers tells me to say hi to her for me and the girl gives me a funny look as I say goodbye to her. She works at PwC and now sees me as a married creep flirting with a single woman.

Of course, all drive home I’m trying to figure out to make this world work. But it’s nice to mildly flirt with someone and have them respond. It was also nice to see the confusion on leaving so I know she was flirting otherwise she wouldn’t have been confused. Maybe there is hope for me yet.

Of course Hunter asks how it went and I tell her I didn’t tell anyone. She says I can but she isn’t going to. I’m still confused about why she will or won’t. If this is something that she was wanted for over a decade why not celebrate?

I hope God finds a way to connect me with Kate again and I can convince her I’m not a creep. Maybe get a date. That would be scary as hell, but maybe kind of exciting too. She seemed to have a warm heart (giving the prayer circle a try) and funny (at least playing along with me) and she knows my professional world (does the same work). That would be the trifecta and she may not be my “type” she was pretty in her own way and had a great smile. Maybe it’s just nice to have a little crush.

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