9/24/14 – Can You Come Get Her?

My head still hurts even after max dose of Excedrin Extra Strength Migraine. It usually works, but not today.

I sent over an updated version of changes to the MSA. I dropped a few of my points she didn’t want to agree to. I know some of them are just her way of keeping track of me, but that need will dissipate once she has a new man in her life. Until then she will lie and hide her dating life to “make sure I’m there to take care of” her since I told her as soon as she started dating I would no longer take care of her. Still not sure if she has dated yet. I wonder about that one day, but I don’t feel it. Maybe it’s just I’m not around her enough.

She called me on the way home to discuss our son and his escape from school yesterday. That’s the interesting thing about splitting and her fear of abandonment. By the end of yesterday her emails went from formal with double copies to her email address for her attorney to casual back and forth. As long as I keep talking about her “separation agreement” instead of the “dissolution” she is able to de-escalate fairly quickly.

It’s beneficial to me financially (saves me $10k a year in health insurance but pay higher taxes) and makes her feel like I’m not abandoning her. The best part is it will take less than seven months to make the divorce official if she or I found someone. And if she wants a complete divorce that works for me as I redid my budget estimates. The only issue is I won’t have the funds to contribute to the kids 529 plans.

After the discussion about our son she apologized for not getting to it but would look at it. I’m guessing she already looked at it, saw I compromised on a few issues, and is getting to a point of acceptance. Then again she may have read about being open to the separation agreement and that gave her comfort. I don’t really care which as long as it gets finalized and I can’t start seeing a new future starting next week. I’m tired of waiting.

There is always something. Tonight she doesn’t have my daughter call, instead she had me come over and pick her up. My son is having a monster meltdown, and “was throwing books at me, spitting, hitting and kicking the walls, threatening her and me – all because he didn’t take his shower first. Then he ran out of the house and was running down the street. It’s hard because she wants to be right there in the middle of things. I just didn’t want her to get hurt – figured it was best she went with you.”

Fair enough. It’s easy. I stop by, and my son spits at me from upstairs. I ask him if I can come up and give him a hug. He says yes, and he hugs me and I tell him I love him and if he feels scared that mom will tell or hurt him to stay in his room and to stay in his room if he feels he will hurt his mom. He says he will, and he watches my daughter and I from his room as we leave. Both of us waving to him and he waving to us. He’s calm and his mom is downstairs-my guess is she is trying to get some work done as she told me she had meetings all day and didn’t get anything done.

My guess is she wasn’t able to calmly handle the shower situation because she needed to get work done and the divorce had got her mind busy pushing off those thoughts. I left and he was calm rational and behaving appropriately. Hunter was the one that wasn’t able to handle this situation.

When I was giving my son a hug I asked him if he would rather have me live there instead of mom and he said yes. Unlike my daughter who will change her answer based on the audience, my son will not. He may change his answer based on his mood, but he wouldn’t lie to a question like that. He might lie to keep out of trouble, but I think he is starting to grow out of that. Now he just runs away.

I text Hunter and tell her I understand, but I wonder about what would happen if I were in Orange County. She texts me back “if u were in OC I would end up having to call my brother or at some point, as Son gets older and stronger, I cringe at the thought, the authorities. I think we should talk to psychiatrist about upping the Abilify the next time we see him.”

I don’t think he needs more Abilify. I think the couple of issues are related to those he is relating to-an emotionally unstable and aggressive boy and an emotionally unhealthy mom with an invasive sister (and semi emotionally unstable dad but that has mostly been with daughter the last few weeks).

My text response “I don’t think those plans are necessarily the best for him in the long term or for daughter seeing that all the time. And your brother hasn’t been very available. You have made a significant amount of references lately to not being able to handle him as he gets older and stronger. If you think I need to take him and you take her I would rather have that discussion now versus later and figure out visitation while they are still young.”

No response, and I doubt I will get one even though I know that’s what she wants she just doesn’t want to have to pay money or be embarrassed by giving him up.

God I hope you have a miracle out there for all of us because we all know Hunter and her brother are not able to handle him and he needs a calmer voice to guide him. I hope You find a way!

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