I think we have come to an agreement. Whatever changed in my head a couple of months ago seems to have done the same to her. After our little disagreement on Tuesday and then Wednesday she seems to be on board with getting this thing prepped and out of the way. Now it’s just about getting the paralegal to include the changes and have the notary there for signing.
Of course, now I’m thinking of whether Wednesday night’s drama was self created. Did she create the emergency with my kids so that she could test me and make sure I wasn’t abandoning her? If she did would she know about it consciously?
When I start questioning things like this I start going crazy with whether she is actually BPD or if I’m reading too much into things like she says. If I look at the DSM-5 I can go down the list:
She has a historic pattern of failed romantic relationships and has cheated on everyone she had a monogamous committed relationship with. She has no personal friends, and all her work relationships end after she changes jobs. She sees herself as helpless and worthless sometimes (that I know of). She constantly behaves in irrational ways in her personal life.
She will do anything to avoid being dumped (abandoned): faking pregnancies, falsifying evidence against to keep the kids, staying in bad relationships until she can shingle up, having kids she didn’t want originally. She has even stated she didn’t have the courage to leave me after the affair and constantly prayed to good to give her the strength to leave me, and told once the Christmas break that she was only using me the last few years because she was afraid of being alone.
She only sees the grandeur in her soul mate until he is not enough then he is worthless and beneath her. Our son goes from a good kid with special needs to a retard who will never leave the house depending on how she is feeling. Her daughter is perfect until she’s an embarrassment. I was wonderful until Chris then I was an embarrassment. She still alternates between the wonderful nostalgic relationship with her high school boyfriend and how horrible that seven year relationship with a raging alcoholic was and that’s just this week.
She doesn’t know what makes her happy (her words) and doesn’t have any hobbies other than reading and reality tv. Her new persona is being a single mom and whatever she thinks that entails. Her work persona is completely different from her personal side (although a lot of people are that way).
She has had issues with drugs, sever issues with alcohol, inappropriate sexual behavior, and reckless driving. The only time she ever seems truly happy is when she is completely reckless.
She was a cutter, has attempted suicide, and was institutionalized when she was in high school. She is currently on a loose weight kick and is approximately 100 pounds (lighter than she’s ever been in 20 years). And I’m guessing she may start getting smaller if she doesn’t find a boyfriend soon.
She changes mooda like the rest of us change rooms during the day.
I don’t know how often she feels empty or worthless, but it is probably more often than I realized as she always talks about how she does most of her crying to and from work. She would always tell me it’s the way she would handle stress. She also specifically stated that most of the time she either feels angry or nothing and she was hoping after the divorce to not feel so angry. I don’t think that honeymoon period during August/September when my son was getting used to the Abilify lasted as long as she thought it would as work stress had ramped up everything.
She has no ability to handle stress or control her anger even after taking a dozen classes at Andersen and PwC. She blows up at home and at work and even threw files as a staff person once at work.
Under extreme stress she checks out. Literally will sit down and black out. She did it inn the phone now when we talk about the divorce. After I won’t let her tell anymore there is nothing on the other end. I have to stop once in a while and ask if she is still there.
You only need five of the nine categories and at least she has six, and at most she has eight when under extreme stress. I don’t think she cuts or contemplates suicide that much now that she has kids. Although she did talk about how she would think about it sometimes on her drive to/from work. I just don’t think she would do it.
I think she is now just fantasizing about how wonderful her next relationship will be or how lousy her life is going to be with the kids.
Talking with my friend yesterday helped a lot. She had to put her nephew in the system when he was attempting to hurt her and she was his legal guardian. If Hunter does that it sounds like they would bring him to me before putting him in the system. That gives me a little comfort and with Wednesday’s call possibly just being a test then I don’t see that she would do it again once the paper work was signed knowing it would give me evidence against her for me to take the kids away.
At least this chapter is coming to a close. Within a month the separation agreement should be signed and the assets transferred within two months. That will give me eight months to plan ahead and figure out what the next part of my story will read like.
Starting over at 44 wasn’t my plan, but it is my future. I guess it’s time I can embrace it!