Another trying day. This whole week has been just an unbearable emotional roller coaster around Hunter. I don’t know what brought out all of the hate and anger lately. All I really want is to see her fly from this existence.
Maybe it’s the fact that she hasn’t called the attorney or given me days she is available so I can. Maybe it’s the fact that everytime something doesn’t go her way she yells and screams at my son and I in public. Maybe it’s the fact that my daughter is now acting like my son and hurting her best friend at school at least once a week. Today she hit her on the head with a toy shovel. Maybe it’s the fact that I feel that my job isn’t in jeopardy anymore but already gone and now Hunter will have won that for eternity.
And how am I supposed to go looking for a job knowing that everyone thought I knew about her affair and I’m not someone they respect enough to help. Our worse I tell them the truth and everyone thinks I’m a naive moron not worth helping out. Either way I think they are right.
I’m guessing it’s the public humiliation and emasculating nature that makes me want to crawl into a whole. So many people knew and because of it either stopped talking to us or were proud of her for doing the “right thing” which she never did. I just want to blow her life up as much she did mine.
I know it’s not right. I know it’s unhealthy. I know I should be learning forgiveness but I want revenge. I need to meditate on this big time. It’s not healthy at all for me much less my career or my kids.
Last night I couldn’t even make eye contact with her when she came in to pick up the kids. I don’t think I have said anything to her directly since Sunday.
Good news – the apartment management redid my lease and reduced it by $115 a month. Everything related to money has been less than expected this year. I’m wondering if God was giving me a few financial breaks all year long knowing that I might really need them.
And that’s the worst thing. If I can’t get this agreement settled before I need to tap her for supports then she will (smartly) use the law to get advantage and break off five or six years worth. Not that I think I would need it ten years, but if I had to buy a practice I would need at least five years to get everything paid off and I wouldn’t get it from her that long if I lost my job before everything was signed.
I am guessing there is some solution out there that He must be putting in place. I hope it includes a pretty, and kind woman, and Hunter giving me my kids so that I can raise them in a quieter place. Maybe my dream of moving to Bermuda or the Caymans will come true. I don’t know what is inside me that I need to deal with but all I can think of right now is :
Hunter – fuck you!