Man people are broken. Maybe it’s just the people I am meeting, or the fact that I seem to be able to read people a lot better than I used to. I don’t know anymore if that’s a good thing. Maybe I’m just using it to keep people at a distance since I’m not ready to date.
Went out with a gal on Thursday. She was late and apologetic, but the whole time I’m just ready her even thought I am maintaining most of the conversation some she is “she at first.” we’ve been texting and talking on the phone for a couple of weeks but I know she is uncomfortable. Uncomfortable about her weight.
She is a little heavier than her pictures, and it really doesn’t matter to me, but it’s obvious that she is uncomfortable. Then comments about her Ex (dating and new nanny), her two failed marriages, her mom and dad’s bad marriage, her step-brother who gets everything, and her wanting to get back in shape. Then outside she is constantly fidgeting and pulling on her top. I know she is hoping I will kiss her, her body language is obvious. All I can think of is what a bag of damaged goods I am dealing with and knowing she is hoping that I can fix her. And I know I can’t and won’t get caught trying. After the hug goodnight at her car, she is still standing and watching me walk away. When I get in my car she is still watching me. I don’t know what would be worse – the hug or kiss – knowing this is not a relationship I am looking for. Either way I can’t control her emotions only my actions.
Friday is Halloween and Hunter leaves work early and completely changes the day we had planned. I don’t say anything. It’s not that big a deal and she paid for the pizza. Unfortunately, before dinner she escalates my son’s frustration with opening a Halloween decoration kit she bought the kids into a full on meltdown. She ends up restraining him and he bites her a little bit. All I’m thinking is he just needed a little love and attention. Then she let’s him go and threatens to take his for of the hinges.
I go up afterwards and talk him into having dinner with us. After dinner he is still upset because Hunter won’t eat dinner and looks like she is crying through the whole thing which is breaking his heart. He goes off by himself on the stairs. I start playing music he likes and he tells me that it’s not going to work. Funny how he knows what I am up to.
Eventually he comes downstairs and I pick him up and fly him around the house like superman and he starts laughing. Now I know we are going out. I put him down and he asks me to help with his costume (Obi Won from Clone Wars and my daughter is a little Princess Leia).
All four of us go out early and do some trick-or-treating while the sun goes down. Everyone is pretty good, and when it’s dark soon wants to go home. Hunter starts in on the “daughter shouldn’t have to suffer so I will…” It’s my night with the son so I take him and let the two of them have fun.
My daughter mentions she wants to come over with me on Saturday as my son is spending the night with my parents. I tell her I will let her know.
Aftee swim I email Hunter about a new custody schedule since it’s obvious that my daughter needs more time with me. She has asked to sleep over with me three times this week. No response.
I text her about that, my parents watching son in two weeks, and my daughters request. A while later she texts me that daughter wants to spend the night with her and Sunday night with me. I know Hunter has influenced her since Hunter doesn’t have any plans. Just wish Hunter would care more about the kids then herself , but I know that will never happen. It’s now important that she isn’t alone or poor than if the kids are happy and healthy.
I have a party to go to tonight, but I’m sick and don’t want to go. I will see how things go and how I feel later to decide. I shaved my goatee today. Not sure why, but it’s something I can always grow back. I think I’m just trying to get a change in my life that isn’t sex, drugs, or food. It’s not the way of the world, but maybe it’s better. Hunter doesn’t seem to be enjoying her life and that’s what she is into (sex, alcohol, working out).
Still just irritates me that she can’t change things to help the kids out, but I know she lives in fear. Wealthy fear. And I live in this apartment because I am left completely unhinged by her actions. I want to blow her up but that’s not healthy or appropriate from a religious standpoint, but I do desire vengeance sometimes. I just need to let it go and focus that energy into something worth while.
I think it’s time to chill on dating again and just work on getting over this cold and losing the weight, new job or move, and getting on the board.
People are just fucked up and broken. I just want to find someone who isn’t broken anymore but healed themselves. I am starting to think they don’t exist at 40…