11/3/14 – Just Another Day

Yesterday was a tough day. Not sure why I was filed with venom or anger but it was there. Kept playing nice with Hunter at my son’s baseball game, and later that night when texting about the new schedule. Which she finally agreed to as long as it was after Thanksgiving and her mom’s visit.

That works for me as long as we get something that will work for everyone as optimally as possible. At least I can be proud of myself for keeping it together and playing the nice supportive co-parent role in her presence.

This morning as I was dropping off my daughters bag at her house we waved to each other as we drove by. It’s hard to play nice to someone that used you for so long.

Sometimes I don’t even think she always used me. I think she felt she settled after the affair because she was too scared to be alone. Then she fell in and out of line over time, but her guilt kept gnawing at her breaking her down from the inside until there was nothing left.

I sit here and still wish she would get help, wish there would be a way around this and I know there isn’t. No miracles for her, my son, or our marriage. None for me or my daughter. To still emotionally want this after everything she had done makes no sense.

If we tallied up everything over the last year she would only win on money. I’m not even really sure if she had dated or if I am just projecting that out there since it is easier for me to move on that way. I know I’ve made more friends, healed more, done more things, and will eventually help more people, but I never helped her to save herself. She will be rich and fake and miserable and I will continue to struggle with how I earn a living and make the numbers every month.

That’s probably what makes all of this so hard. She always brings me sodas at my son’s games, and never aka for help, and always wants to take and hang out when we are together with the kids. It feels normal and I know the kids talk about she is never happy or smiles on hey own, but she is starting to around me again.

Yesterday the thought of moving back to Orange County permanently came to me again. It may be the only way to me constantly get sucked into this fake life of hers. I know she isn’t interested in me and repairing the damage she had done. I think she just wants to keep her money, the kids, and her fantasy of us being good friends after all this is over. I don’t see it.

I don’t see dating anyone anymore either. Just to much energy wasted on people who are not fixing themselves no matter how much they think they are healed.

I’m guessing I should come to the reality that I will be alone for a very long time.

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