11/4/14 – More Closed Doors

More doors closed. Not sure why I interview anymore. They all say the same thing – come in, we are growing, we need the talent to handle it, then when I get there it’s all about how much of a book of business am I bringing with me since they can’t grow the practice on their own. How many times am I going to hope that there is a future for me knowing that the best part of my life is behind me? I’m getting tired of everything.

I want to hate Hunter for putting me in this situation. I want my blood – my vengeance and I pray for it a lot lately. The bible says God will extract my revenge for me, so I ask for it to happen asap. But when I have to talk to her for the kids I can’t do it. It just gets quiet in my head. I know she will never want me back since I don’t earn enough money. I know getting back together with her would be a death sentence since she will never get the help. Right now I can’t seem to let her go, and I can’t seem to understand why. I am just guessing it’s the financial security.

Talking with her on the phone today about my son was filled with holes. She is always looking for more conversation, but I can’t let myself go down that path. It hurts too much when I start pretending that we are friends again like before we split up. It’s too easy to start thinking that it means something when I know she would never admit she wants to be friends – needs to be friends. If she wanted to be friends she would need to pay me back first and she would never do that.

She told me that our son fell asleep in class today. Taking him off the Ritalin has drained his energy. At least it is good to see that I am seeing him more accurately than Hunter of the Doctor is. The less meds, the better. Today Hunter and I discussed cutting down on the Tenex to see if that helps. I suggested cutting the Abilify by half again, but she doesn’t want that. I’m guessing she recognizes that she it’s a lot happier when he’s on the Abilify and more manageable by her. I think it’s the Abilify that is helping the most, but also creating the lethargy. I would like to see if we can get him off the Tenex eventually . That would leave us with just the single med (Abilify), and the single dose. That would be a great opportunity for him.

I just hope I get her to follow through on the therapy.

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