11/10/14 – I Am A Man Of Constant Sorrow

Something must be terribly wrong with my karma.  I am sitting here wondering why I am even here.  I spent over an hour and a half on the phone with AT&T over the theft of my iPhone 6 Plus. Not only did someone steal the phone off my porch, but I have to spend a half hour on the phone with a guy from the claims department who is consistently telling me that the 59 days it took to deliver it is the longest delivery time he has seen on the 6. Plus he is from Carlsbad so I get to hear his life story.  Did I miss something or is the fact that it took two months to deliver my phone without the need for a signature a problem? BTW – I wasn’t born or raised in North County.  Maybe we can discuss the skank of San Dieguito High School?  Oh yeah that’s my soon-to-never be ex-wife.

He was nice and complimented me on my “great attitude,” the women before him was nice, but I am just sitting here thinking that everyone in the world has determined it is “open season” on me. There is nothing around here that is ever going to be mine.  Nothing that I can work for and earn that the Creator will allow someone else to just take from me.  God has decided that I am not worthy of anything and is more than happy to let everyone interested in an opportunity to gain without effort to stop by my life.  I don’t deserve to have a valuable life, and the Lord has made that painfully obvious. Even the movie I turned on mirrors that reality. O Brother Where Art Thou is on (which I love), but it appears I am The Man of Constant Sorrow.

I have spent the last decade working for a firm that has consistently ignored my advice and counsel and paid the price for it.  Right now their revenues are less than 1/3 at the top and my “adversarial” advice has been proven right and right again year after year.  The wonderful leadership consistently goes home to the families and fires people over and over to make the numbers work, unless they do “an across the board” salary reduction.  None of the founding partners there actually gets off their asses to make a contribution to society, much less another human being.  Ok, that is probably a stretch.  There is one partner who does a lot of work for the LDS which does not provide for financial gain. But, they certainly don’t work to get in early, leave late and meet new people.  As long as they hire others to sell and buy other firms then trash the people they buy it from they happily believe they are the masters of the universe.

Then again, they believe they are the masters of the universe.  I am the excrement that is excreted with the trash and flushed down the drain.  I am the all singing, all dancing crap of the world.  My son didn’t want to talk to me on the phone.  I’m guessing its a process of the way Hunter handles him.  My daughter was only interested in getting to whatever game she was playing.  Obviously, my son is relaying the information that she doesn’t play with them as she now plays “games” with them. Must be nice to use someone for a decade for money and make sure they work to take care of a family and then discard them when the career takes off, the kids are out of diapers and that person has gotten the special needs nanny, the home bought, and the all of the service providers necessary to make things easy.  All of the hard years are behind you.  All of my hard years are in front of me and I am just tired.

I’ve done the math and I am worth more dead then alive.  Assets, insurance, retirement accounts, and 529’s put me at over $2.5 MM.  If I were to work the next 20 years, assuming I get a job down here at my age that would allow me to do so, I would earn half that after taxes.  Account for some crappy condo and living expenses like food, water, and clothing, and I would not have anywhere near that to leave to anyone much less retire on.

I sit hear and drink Stone’s new “Drink By” double IPA (which is good, just not as great as the 2/14/14 Drink By which was unbeatable – literally) and text Hunter back and forth and wonder why.  She doesn’t love me.  She hasn’t in a long time, and I am no longer of any value to anyone.  Except my parents and kids, and only for an emotional support that they will find in other places. They may not be the a more healthy place, but they will fulfill the need.  I can’t provide financial security, emotional stability, or intellectual stimulation.  I am not sure I am funny anymore. I was never really good looking, and without a high paying job there is no hope for me.

Unlike Jack I can’t count to five and let the fear be over.  it’s not fear that is the issue.  Reality is the issue and there is nothing left.  Hunter won’t let me help her. Dani won’t understand the truth. No one understands the truth.  Hunter won’t let me in, Dani won’t let me help her.  I know I can’t help anyone, but I need to.  I can’t help not helping someone. It;s my lot in life. Its my purgatory.  Its my hell!

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