11/12/14 – In A Very Lonely Place

I am sitting here wondering why I want to reach out to her. I know she isn’t interested in reconciliation. She is more interested in getting me to stay in Orange County (via an email to me today) and eliminating her support requirements. I know I will be happier once I have a stable job and the ability to buy a home and date again. I know I am just grasping at a sense of security that doesn’t exist. I know there is no way to trust her – she is crazy and always will be.

I know she is desparate to get me to stay and take care of her as long as it doesn’t cost her anything and she has the right to cut it off when she finds my replacement. I know she is desperate to get me out of the area so she can have a fresh start. She knows that if I stay in the same area that all of her secrets will slowly leak out, but Orange County is already scorched earth for her so it’s ok if I live in hell and embarrassment there as long as she can pretend that it won’t affect her future.

I know that I still have the ability to punish her for years of she doesn’t do right by me, and I know she never will. I can’t not see or hear from her for more than two days and I can’t get away from her enough to see my kids the way they need me to.

I don’t know what to do anymore. My heart hurts. My head is messed up. The best part of today was getting the phone activated since it finally arrived. I just hate the fact that the best part of my financial life is behind me and I don’t see myself meeting someone ever again. It’s a very lonely place to be in.

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