Friday went somewhat well. I don’t have an overwhelming need to job hunt yet, but I did send out my resume and talk to a couple more people on the phone.
Saturday was obsurd. Before my daughters party I pick up and take the kids to swim. On the way home it’s the typical from my son about not wanting to take swim lessons. I tell him to talk to his mom since she signs him up. He tells me she said he only had to do it until the end of October, but since it’s November she is a lier.
My daughter says that everyone lies sometimes, and it’s ok. I ask her who said it and she says mom. I ask my son if he lies and he says yes. I ask them both if I lie and they say no. I tell them that I have lied, but lying doesn’t show God’s love and that we should always be honest.
As Hunter and I are setting up for the party I ask her how her year has been. She tells me she doesn’t want to get in a fight.
– You always seem happy to see my. The kids tell me your not happy unless I’m around.
– Yes it’s nice to have someone to talk to.
– Am I still your best friend?
– I told you I don’t have any friends. I’ve become the old cat lady.
– And the guys you date are they a better quality than me?
– I told you I haven’t dated anyone.
– Are you happy?
– I’m trying to be.
– You’re miserable.
– I was miserable before.
– You weren’t always miserable. Why do you want everyone to suffer so much?
– I’m not having this conversation anymore.
So I order the pizza.
The party goes off without a hitch.
Afterwards I continue the conversation again.
– Why won’t you even try? You obviously wanted to get all of that out in the open so we could move forward, so now that it’s out why don’t you want to try?
– Why are you trying to ruin this day for her?
– She’s not going to remember this day, only the pictures. Besides the kids are to afraid to tell you what they tell me. Do you know what her two birthday wishes were?
– 1. That her two best friends in the other class were besties again. 2. That you and I would get back together again.
– Son wants it, but he can’t tell you because he is afraid you will yell at him. She wants it. I want to try and help. You used to want that.
– Don’t tell me what I want. Don’t you dare tell me what I want.
– I’m not.
– Yes you are.
– No I said that’s what you used to want. I don’t know what you want now. I don’t think you know. What do you want?
She tells me daughter to say goodbye and give her a big hug. I ask for one and Hunter hugs me and as I am hugging her my daughter tells her she wants mommy and daddy back together again forever.
– I had nothing to do with that.
– Silence and she starts walking away.
– You’re miserable. Why don’t you want to try and be happy?
– I was miserable before to.
– Sure because of your guilt.
– Yeah you had nothing to do with it.
(And in my head I know she has now made an argument for herself that this was my fault and her guilt and infidelity has nothing to do with this).
– Then what can I change? We can work on it together.
– You know you are happy when I come over and you light up to talk to me.
– I’m just being pleasant. If I’m nice it means something. If I’m not that I’m a bitch.
– You aren’t being pleasant and it’s easy to see you enjoy my company.
– I’m trying not to be mean and ruin this day for her.
– Why do you have to be mean? I’m not. Besides for her it’s never going to be right with us apart.
Hunter walks away and I am asking for her to talk to me once daughter is napping.
After my daughter is down I call and leave a message. Nothing. I call a couple more times and play with my daughter after nap.
After dinner we call so daughter can talk to mom because mom sent home the wrong color light saber. Mom says she kept it to play with at her house.
I call several times after daughter and son are in bed and nothing.
I found a practice that specializes in DBT less than 8 miles from Hunters work. It could easily become part of her life, but you can’t help if they won’t talk. I don’t know what today’s baseball game will be like. I’m guessing Hunter will talk a little if son has been good or not at all to me if he’s been a handful. I will know where her head is at if Amazing Amy brings me a Diet Coke.