11/16/14 – On The Outside Looking In

Surprised about how will the day turned out. A lot of little ups and downs, which may be tough on my little girl. I wish I could get her off the TV and junk food. It is starting to become problematic.

She and I arrived a little late to the baseball game. Hunter was keeping score and son was playing while my mom had made it to the last game. Hunter kept going on about bringing me a coke zero and chex mix for a snack. I finally took the soda so it didn’t look rude.

My daughter had more meltdowns than my son all over snack. She is getting way out of control on that. One of the coaches wife mad a comment that she was a Scorpio and that made her willful. I guess I get that or maybe it’s being four.

After lunch and nap it was off to the season end pizza party. The same coaches wife had brought my daughter a Frozen purse. I am amazed at how nice some of these people can be. Especially since most of them are not talking to me anymore (my attitude about who Hunter is dating is not appropriate and I get that) and are not really talking to Hunter unless it’s about the score of inning.

At the pizza party I remarked that it feels like we are always an observer and not a participant. Hunter said she always feels that way. I think if we got along and had a great time it wouldn’t be that way, but it’s not who she is and it’s not who he is and I need to get over my issues with Hunter. I know I can change and I pray that she will let me show her how to get help but I don’t think that day will ever come.

The rest of the party went fine and we left early. It was fun to see another kid trying to play with son and being unintentionally rough and son having fun without issues. A small glimpse of normalicy in a life with so little. It fills me with joy and sorrow. A melancholy I wish I wasn’t so familiar with anymore.

Hunter tried to pay for everything but I told her I could pay for the drinks. At the end we hugged again and I have to say it but she doesn’t have her ” shutter” with it. I just need to know that in a month it’s time to move on. She doesn’t want me to leave since she needs me to help with the kids. Unless she gets a certain amount of time alone or with only one child she gets overwhelmed. Not that she would admit it. But she doesn’t want to heal or get back together. I can’t live in this limbo anymore. It’s not healthy for any of us. It’s time to look for fresh lands and new opportunities. Maybe even a new family and new life. Maybe a pretty women with young kids to be part of their lives.

All I know is that no one is going to have a good life this way. We will always be on the outside looking in and if we can’t team up with a strong intimate marriage no one will ever be satisfied with this life, and I don’t have enough time with the kids to provide them a sanctuary.

I told Hunter this at dinner. At least that I didn’t think I would be around when they grow up and that if she needed to put them in a boarding school as she mentioned that would be something she would need to decide. I wasn’t sure if I would be in the state much less the country. I don’t think she bought it. I wouldn’t if I were her but I am coming to that place again. The more time I spend with her for the kids the more I hurt. It sucks knowing you married Amazing Amy and I am not good looking like Ben Afleck. Maybe it’s time to move on.

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