11/17/14 – I Want Out

I need to start implementing everything I’ve learned recently regarding happiness and creating your own personal state or I will end up depressed forever.

It wasn’t quite that bad since I had to be human for a little while to take my daughter to school and soon to go to dinner with the ex and kids for daughters bday, but it was close until about 3pm. That’s when I finally got off the couch and started cleaning, laundry, and some grooming. Sometime you just need to shave for the event of shaving.

Obviously I am letting the depression get to me. I’m going to have to get someone to motivate me to get more on track again. I seem to have a good day then bad. Momentum requires them all to be good days. Especially since I am getting the impression that Hunter isn’t as excited about helping me now as she was last week. Unfortunately that is not a good place to be for her. It’s going to cost her dearly for her failures especially since I am continuing to pay for her sins.

I asked about presents for our daughter (since we did joint for our son) and she told me she thought the party was enough. She makes $400k and spends $400 on the party and that’s enough. I still got her a gift. Her family is cheap!

Of course now that the business day has come to an end and none of the other half of the people I reached to for references and help have called me back (after two days) I am starting to wonder why God has closed their hearts. The law of karma says I brought this on myself. Fine I get it. I wasn’t always that good about follow up, but most of them always met with me on a regular or semi-regular basis so it seems strange that none of them have called. And these are the power players. And they always returned my calls with a day or so. Now not so much. Not sure what God has in store, but if I ever get out of this mess I won’t let follow up be an issue ever again.

I got to say Hunter sure knows how to push the envelope. She met with the partner at PwC today that she said she was going to connect me with and she tells me at our daughter’s birthday dinner that it didn’t come up. She doesn’t want back together but she doesn’t want me to leave. I’m getting to the point where:

I don’t believe in God. Why the fuck would he let the liars, the cheats, and the destroyers rule the world? Why would he let my life become worthless for doing what is right? The only answer is religion and God are bullshit myths perpetrated by people of power to manipulate the rest of us.

I worth more dead than alive and if I kill myself she wins all the money but she will hate having to take care of the kids herself. Therefore she can punish herself the rest of her life by resenting the fact she has to take care of the kids alone and screwing them up will only make her frustration and self loathing greater and therefore her punishment for what she has done more valuable.

There is no reason for pain and no sense in spiritual or emotional growth. It doesn’t get you anything but broke and dead. Being rich, manipulative, and selfish is the only way to live. Anything else is just a mindset undertaken by the naive in order to be allowed to be used and abused by others without guilt for allowing others to use them.

There isn’t anything left for me anymore and I’m tired of all of this. I’m never going to love, trust, or be financially secure near my kids. She can have the money and the kids – I’m more interested in checking out.

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