11/20/14 – I’m Starting To Lose It

I can’t stop calling and talking to her. Pleading for her to fix herself and this marriage. All she does is tell me I’m controlling, manipulative, and mean. I tell her then should I send her book to everyone she knows if she is not going to make it up to me. She tells me that shows more about my character than hers. I tell her it’s what you did to Chris so that’s your character.

I constantly go back to when is she going to feel bad and make it up to me. Then she goes on about money and that’s when I tell her it’s just another promise you don’t keep. She goes on about all of the boyfriends in my head and how she would date the coach because he’s married. That’s when I tell her to stop playing that game because you were married when you cheated on me with a married man. I know you don’t have any respect for marriage or monogamy.

She threatens to hang up several times but only when it comes to character and the email she sent to Chris’s wife does she say goodbye.

I don’t know how to fix this hate. I don’t know how to stop wanting to punish her. I don’t know how to get through this. I don’t know if I can anymore. All I think is I will end up screwing the kids up in a different way than her. I don’t know how to stop fixating on her. It’s so unfair for her to steal my life and leave me stranded with – taking everything of value from me. I’m starting to lose it and I don’t know how to hold on anymore.

5 thoughts on “11/20/14 – I’m Starting To Lose It

  1. My husband took everything from me in our divorce. He took my kids, my house, my foundation, my life….he took everything. I spent two years trying to drink myself to death, and I am still doing it to some degree, but I had to let it go…They’re gone. Things will get better but you gotta let go of what’s eating you first.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks – I know I am creating a lot of my own suffering by constantly putting myself in contact with her. Ben gave me a good suggestion today to break that habit. Hopefully not being around her or the kids for the next three days will help. I hope you get a chance to enjoy the holidays – John

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Hugs. It’s hard to see thru the storm, and it is cliche… but this too shall pass. So long as you allow it to. Find a safer outlet. Even if it’s your blog, or some loud music. When u consider contacting her, find an alternative. Even if u only delay the call by an extra hour, that can be the hour you need to center yourself a bit more.
    Don’t engage. She will poke and prod, try and pull you into her world, try to not let it suck you in too far.

    Liked by 1 person

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