11/28/14 – Thankful If She Would Stop Looking At Me

Obviously with all of the setbacks spending time with Hunter was not prudent. Yesterday the kids and I spent the first half of the day with her. She made brunch and then we went to a park. We arrived at 9:30 and dropped her off around 12:30. She left without saying a word to me.

When I got there it was non-stop communication with her. She was constantly talking or asking me questions. At the table for brunch I spent most of the time looking at my son across the table or helping my daughter who was on my right. Hunter spent most of the time trying to engage me. I swear she must have looked at me 100 times during breakfast. By the end of the day it was probably closer to 300. Kind of creepy for someone who calls you nothing one day and her only friend the next. Splitting at its finest.

Afterwards was twenty questions on what she made – backed Belgium Waffles. Were they too soft, too crunchy, too sweet? I finally walk over to the stairs away from everyone and pet my old cat who has been walking around screaming at me for attention.

Unfortunately my daughter and Hunter follow me there and after ten minutes Hunter asks me to play a game with my daughter. I’m not sure why since we are there for Hunter to spend time with the kids on the holiday.

When we get to the living room to play Hunter eventually joins in. In the end it’s her and me playing and no daughter. I pack it up after that and we head to the park.

At the park I walk away and watch my son as Hunter stays with daughter. It gives me a little time to practice being present in the moment. Concentrating on the cool breeze and the colors of the fall leaves and the beautiful blue sky dotted with whiffs of clouds. It would make for a great painting if it could only capture the sounds of the creek and the children laughing or the family playing flag football on the hill above.

All reminders of a family that Hunter wants to pretend exists but is gone. She won’t get help, she won’t let me go, and she won’t move on. No one to move on to except a job that is too stressful for her with a lot of employees who don’t like her much. Nothing anyone but her can do to repair those relationships.

On the way to my car she makes a comment about not being able to open my truck to get her purse. Something about not being strong enough or something like that. I start talking about people making a comment about her being emaciated and whether she has cancer.

She asks me who (as usual) but I keep my informants confidential. That sets me off on a diatribe of jokes about what to put on a t-shirt. She laughs at a few, tells me the one or two that suck, and then I can see she is forcing herself not to laugh. That breaks me out of the simple habit of when we would both try and come up with the best joke on a subject. Not necessarily her or me maybe someone else or a situation, etc. I usually won – she doesn’t have that great a sense of humor to create or a willingness for a bad joke.

On the way home she makes a comment about a store moving and how it’s been there for twenty years or so. I don’t say anything and that’s when she becomes pissed. At her house it’s get the daughter a bracelet. Then hugs for the kids. Then a round of kisses for the kids. Not a word to me. I know she is pissed because I am just trying to get out of there and finally make a comment about all of the open and closing of the back doors of the car. She doesn’t even look back.

I’m not sure what she thought would happen. We aren’t there for her and I to be friends. We are there for her to see the kids and for me to see them on Christmas. I know originally I thought there may be a chance, but she wants what I cannot give her and she can’t give me what I want even if it is in her own best interest to do so.

The rest of the day went great at my parents with my sister and her son. Even if my son didn’t get his mid-day meds. Even my sister commented about how my son was on the right dosage right now. For that I am grateful.

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