Wondering around waiting for an “offer” for a job is a bit frustrating. Especially after all of the subtle craziness from Hunter this weekend. When I pick up the kids she asks if we are doing joint presents as well as a joint day or not. I tell her I thought joint day separate presents but I would let her know since the kids where here.
After everyone is asleep I email Hunter about the presents and a laundry list of other things including counseling for son, pictures for daughter, Santa pics, and a separate email regarding Skype since she no longer has an iPhone for Face Time.
She originally only responds regarding Skype. Typical behaviour. I want to deal with seeing the kids so I don’t feel alone, but none of the heavy issues, but I have been playing nice with her so eventually she responds to the rest. Separate presents and then we set a limit.
We try and Skype on Sunday night but I can’t find her….she used a new Gmail address that I didn’t know about. It’s bad enough that she had a different Gmail account for a couple of years without telling me for “work video conferences.” I ask why she got a new one and she tells me it’s because she has an android phone and her IT group recommended it. Didn’t know android phones didn’t work with yahoo email, but if the phone required a Gmail address why not use the old one? Just another way to be secretive.
This morning I bring the kids to the house for school and she is already gone but the Christmas tree is up. My daughter cried because she wanted to pick it out and Hunter told her she could I guess. As we are waiting I see her Christmas list of presents for the kids.
This year (for the first time ever) her grandmother and dad are providing presents. Historically Hunter just pockets the cash she gets from them, but I guess my dollar limit wasn’t high enough so she is using it for Santa. I’m sure part of it is to compete with my family as they tend to over buy as compared to her side of the family. Since she makes more than any of us or anyone on her side of the family she feels the need to buy the kids love.
I guess I have to let her. What else is she going to bring to the table? It’s not like it’s a warm house to grow up in – just pretty.
I guess we will see if the offer letter comes tomorrow or not. I know it will be a significant reduction in pay, but maybe that is what my kids need right now. Besides Hunter can help with support for a while. And if she gets upset she can always email me from her new Gmail account.
I know it’s petty. All week every time I get too into a reconciliation fantasy my mind kicks in memories from her affair (real from my life or what she wrote about). A pre-programmed break from running down that path. Then my mind runs down the anger and hatred path and that sucks too. So now I just ask God to take my love and my hate for her and replace it with peace, compassion, and a vision of a better future without her. To use me a vessel for His forgiveness and maybe one day I will be fully forgiving as well.
It’s not an easy thing to ask for, buts it’s easier than the other two options and in the end I can’t fix her or change her. That’s her journey and this is mine. I would just like to find a way to extract myself from her insanity since the more I revolve in her out of control orbit the worse my life gets and the worse for the kids. Even they like a calm (er) life with my few material possessions. At least I don’t have to constantly change my email addresses for secrecy…