1/2/15 – Trapped

I’m becoming ridiculously resentful right now. I can’t get Hunter to move forward on the divorce or for that matter just be honest or on-time. The inability of her to move forward frustrates me and I’m starting to tire of it. I don’t want to spend the money on a war, but maybe it was meant to be that way.

I’m also starting to see why so many dad’s trade time with their kids for personal time. All of the single mom’s expect the guys to be very available and trying to find babysitters to help with the kids, including family, are starting to dwindle. Most of the single parent group opportunities are on Saturday or Sunday when I have the kids.

My son doesn’t want someone he doesn’t know watching him (which I get) and using his aid at night would just lead to resentment by Hunter when she would eventually hear about it. My parents don’t have the energy at their age to watch them that much, and I don’t know many other people. I can’t volunteer at church to meet people because I have the kids, and the new job will take a lot of time this busy season. Hunter won’t work with me on 1:1 time for the kids, and the kids are really starting to ramp up on the sibling teasing which sets off my son. I can maintain the outbursts from going over the top in my apartment, but I can’t take them out in groups anymore with the violent outbursts and horribly mean talk. Another year like 2014 and I don’t think I will be interested in 2016. I just feel trapped.

All I want to do is go out and relax and meet a few people and start enjoying my life. Others seem able to do it, but they have NT kids, a normal ex, and a normal job. Maybe they have older kids that can take care of themselves? Maybe they just withdraw and not try. That isn’t the life I want or desire, and I’m tired of waiting to start living again.

I’m not living now, and I’m not sure I will be living anytime soon. Just biding my time until I’m released from this world. Not really happy about that. Maybe I should take my jail time tonight and figure out an escape plan..

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