1/3/15 – Seether

I can’t even imagine how the hate builds in me. I never remember feeling this before – even with some of my sordid paste activities. To feel myself seether over this stuff again makes me I’ll. Plus my daughter is completely out of control when she is alone. I can’t step out of the room or go to the bathroom without her hitting her brother or following me to get attention. It all goes into the self destructive thoughts associated with my daughter having the same issues as her mom, and me getting tired of being constantly manipulated by Hunter.

All I want is to be free. I see all those other dad’s who blow off their kids for free time and dating, and I used to constantly make fun of them. Now I am starting to see the value in it. Hunter will continue to emotionally use the kids as leverage against me like she used my love for her to do the same thing.

It doesn’t help that it appears she still hasn’t contacted the attorney. She was supposed to send an email as to her decision on what she wanted. Since she did not do it, I sent one yesterday. I pray and pray and pray that God kills her, kills me, or both of us. I’m not at a place to really care anymore. I just want out of her control and presence. I’m getting to the point of thinking that pulling a Adolf Merkle and being done with all of this. That or going up to Seattle and put two in Chris, two in Dave (his best friend during the affair), two in Hunter, and then one in me. Not healthy to be thinking that way, but all of this constant push of the kids on me has been pushing off my emotional balance.

Hopefully, starting work next week will give me a well deserved mental break from her. I don’t even think I will take the extra time with the kids – even if it gives the 1:1 time they need. Hunter isn’t interested, and she won’t update the calendar anymore. I’m not sure what her issue is, but I feel the more I am around her the more I hate her and will punish her. Maybe that’s what she wants. To constantly keep me emotionally in this shit bag relationship regardless of how devastating it will be to her and the kids in the end. Then again she always made me out to be her punisher so nothing new now. Maybe now she truly deserves it.

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